"Don't you sometimes wish to be someone else" she said, her eyes never meeting my gaze. I stand intact, quiet. I don't respond. She goes on as if she were alone in her room as if I was a shadow in the form of a man. "Maybe disappear for a little while, not...not be in my skin, just- just for a couple of days, hours...hours even."
I sit next to her on the bed; she fidgets with her fingers. I grab her hands, and for once she looks at me; not even two seconds after she retaliates, not giving me time to absorb her expression.
"But then...we all exist somehow at different times, in different places and I can't disappear in all at once unless time allows me to which then, it would have to take more than... from me and I don't want to...that is not what I want." she rambles; her gaze now placed at the clock on the wall. And I finally speak: "where do we exist all at once?"
"Here" her index finger barely touches the side of my temple. "Here, I am different, maybe not in yours, but in other people's, it's not who I am, but certainly it is who I wish to be most of the time"
"Why?" why must she want to get entitled to people's opinions of her.
"Because there I don't wish to disappear. I smile, there I feel loved"
"Do you not feel loved"
"There is a difference between feeling loved and being loved" a tear runs through her cheek, I dry it with my hands startling her, making her gain consciousness that no matter how lost she is, I am still here.
I take her in my arms, to lie on the bed with me and there she explodes, her sob shakes her shoulders and I hold her tighter afraid she is going to break away from me. I kiss her hair and I whisper desperate promises in her ear until she falls asleep. I don't sleep, but I hold her. After all, I live in her, because without her I don't exist.
