West Coast

Chapter Twenty

Dean got himself ready for work, throwing his jacket over his shoulders. Cas didn't move from the kitchen the whole time.

'Sure you're okay?' Dean asked. 'Do you want me to stay?'

Cas shook his head, but grabbed Dean's arm. 'I'm scared,' he whispered, 'but I don't know what of.'

'Do you think it's this thing you can't remember? About Gabriel?'

'I think it is.'

'Is it bad?'

Cas hesitated. 'Penny thinks - Penny thinks it might be the - the first time I - the first time it was bad.'

Dean put an arm around Cas's shoulder.

'I don't know if I want to remember that.'

'It'll be okay,' Dean said. 'Maybe you won't remember, but if you do, we'll be ready for it.'

Cas sighed and put down his coffee. He scrubbed his face with his hands.

'Are you sure you don't want me to stay?'

'It's fine. You should go to work.'

'Well, if you're sure... Call me if you need anything.'

'I will.'

Dean was reluctant to leave, torn between wanting to take care of Cas and wanting to help him keep up his routine. In the end, he decided the latter was more important. It kept Cas grounded, and he would need that if he did happen to remember.

Dean did as he promised and got Cas an appointment with the doctor and have his meds reviewed. He had some doses upped and others lowered, but the doctor thought it might help him sleep better.

It didn't really help much with Cas's sleeping, but it did lessen the nightmares, putting him in better moods in the mornings.

Dean smiled at Cas whenever he found him reading, or painting, or doing anything besides laying down, staring at the ceiling. He didn't bother even trying to hide his longing, and how much he wanted to be with Cas again, but he kept his distance. He knew Cas was worried, and he didn't know what he could say to make him feel better about the situation.

Dean's meetings were the same, but he admitted when he needed help more often now.

He got called on by the chair more often too.

'Would you like to speak today, Dean?' he would say.

Dean would lean forward, breathe deeply through his nose and say, 'Yeah. Hey, everyone, my name's Dean and I'm an alcoholic.' He got the usual 'Hello, Dean' chorus back.

'How are you doing today, Dean?' the chair asked.

They could all tell when Dean was having a bad day, so he wasn't surprised when he was called on, when Cas had woken up screaming from his nightmares that morning.

'Not so great today,' he told them. 'My husband is getting sick again, I think. It's hard, 'cause there's not much I can do about it.'

'How hard is it hitting you today?'

'Today? Well, I was driving past the store earlier, and I got to thinking how I could really go for a beer, and I sure was tempted, but I kept on driving. So yeah, that's how it's hitting me today.'

'How did you fight it?' one of the women gathered asked. She was new to the program, Dean remembered. Only a month or so in.

'I kept him in my mind. Last time I fell off, it really messed him up, and I can't do that to him again. I don't think he'd be able to recover if I did. You know, I can get pretty mean when I drink, so... But even then, we haven't been - intimate - in a long time, so thinking about him isn't much better. I don't know, I guess I'm in a bit of a tough spot at the moment.'