PUZZLED

The opening

Sigh I keep on doing the same things repeatedly not realizing that I'm doing it.  It's like I like this or the same pain over and over again, the thing that I do not like about me is that I'm always conscious I'm always self aware I over-analyze things I reread things that has been the most main thing I do not like about me . And I simply do not know why I am going through this continuous cycle of pain every time that I think I'm getting better I'm just getting worse or is it just that I don't feel the pain anymore. I look at him and I see the same things that I saw 3 years ago and I don't know how to feel about that because everyone that I like literally has either the same character traits almost the same story but they're still here that's the difference they're still fighting.  Unlike him but they're so much like him they'll disappear not wanting help not wanting anyone around leaving the people that love them and they love and now I just feel like crying that is what I feel like and this is probably why I couldn't decide I had so much mixed emotions . Why was I so puzzled because I couldn't understand the universe couldn't understand my emotions and maybe it was trying to show me something but I didn't catch it but now that I have . It doesn't make me feel any better it just makes me feel worse because then it's to late was I not good enough and then I see somebody else and they remind me of myself and while I wasn't done the first time what I still even do now but the difference is he wanted her in the end they didn't want me in the end . They wanted someone else but they didn't see the work that I did they didn't want them ,theydidn't see anything they didn't see me fighting, they didn't see me pushing ,they didn't see me moving things behind the scenes, asking people for favors and asking them to not look at them differently, I was trying no matter how hard it was I was trying ,and I tried so hard till I got so exhausting till he finally showed up and he didn't even want to speak to me . Like I was the problem like I was the issue like it was my fault when I did everything everything to make a life easier I was there I was trying to be there they don't want me because of somebody else they didn't love me like I loved them how is it the person meant for you is the person that caused you so much pain ,suffering ,Agony ,sorrow, everything I can't be happy with someone else because they always remind me of them . Every time I try they have something of them that reminds me of them and I never realize it till the end I tried I did what they said I moved on and  dated other people and it didn't last human or demon it didn't. Love it wasn't that I was a problem they said it was just a simple fact that someone was in the picture that's what it was the more I try to figure it out I come to a dead end of not figuring it out. I can't figure myself out at all my life someone decided to take that opportunity from me I don't know who I am or what I am I don't know what I'm capable of I really don't know how strong I am I don't know what I've done in the past I don't know what my future looks like all I know is whoever I'm supposed to be I have no idea who she is . Everyone including them thinks they know who I am whether it was a past self a future me someone that I did what is not me I can't repent for sins that I know not of . I can't apologize for them because I don't remember doing them I am a blank canvas to your very detailed and painted one I am the definition of confused the definition of a puzzle so don't think that I know who I am or what I did and if it's that bad I'm so sorry but I'm a puzzle and I'm only just starting to piece myself together there's a lot of me that I don't know that you know from a different universe different time a different future ,presently me. Once I was a nobody  , nobody knew my name I was just a person now I carry so many The black  widow  , Lauren,  mother, Aunt, sister  I  don't know who I am or what I'm supposed or what I was .

I am now just puzzled.... it's weird  now the thought of you dosen't make my blood rush anymore  or light my skin a blaze . Now I truly feel nothing like you asked me to but now what does this  all mean.  Why am I in a cycle with you still
....Why am I PUZZLED.....