She/her vs Toxic

She/Her

It feels...

What do you mean "it feels"
It feels like I don't know

What do you mean "I don't know"I just don't know how to explain a certain feeling because I myself am not too sure.

Am I numb or just not certain?

Life goes on and I still don't know.

This person goes by Toxic in my head Toxic made me discover a part of me I didn't know was there. 

It was negative at first, I suffered endlessly, walking as if I was a spirit wandering with zero life inside of me. While thinking how nice it would feel if a brick hit my head.

I guess I was not ready for Her .

Took months to understand.

Only pro that has come out of this was I found another person inside me I did not know of Her and I am aware she needs help.

I refer to myself as She/Her because she is still lost, wandering without life.

Toxic cracked into me

I took my bike and peddled fast as I can into the forest trails crying while having a panic attack. I biked so far in rage trying to outrun this feeling, but it did not go away. I kept thinking of ways to end my life since this feeling would not go away so again how long do you plan to stay.

 I was treated like a slave. How did I accept that type of emotional abuse? 

 I tell Her it's been awhile now

I keep asking Her again and again how long do you plan to stay? 

-___-

Because everywhere I go this feeling just stays, but I am so uncertain what this is.

There is no out running it. I don't want to look back anymore.

It's time I get help...

Toxic had heavy energy, toxic can either uplift the entire room or make them feel like her torture toy. Once she had you in her car It felt like I was in her emotional torture dungeon that felt equivalent to physical abuse because once you're in, you were in!

 At that moment you just imagine objects are just bashing at your head because what is happening right now. 

In ways, I see Toxic's pain through the way she drove and spoke fast repeatedly. Toxic projected all her pain by attacking you with her narcissistic traits, but exposing sides of her because of the trust she had formed with me. You can say it was a heavy "MIND FUCK".

I started reminiscing, with all this distant love.

Toxic thought the worst

Toxic blamed so she didn't have to take accountability

Toxic seemed lost, you can tell she knows she did not know herself,

Toxic's personality kept splitting from love to poison

Toxic got used to everyone enabling her narcissistic abusive behaviour 

Seemed like we were both trapped in two different ways, while both being each other's comfort zone.

I can't out run Toxic and She/Her

But after all this I love you, I hope you come back Apu