SidNaaz : Contemplating Insecurities

Chapter 9

S - "Hmmm, mujhe khud yakeen nhi ho raha ki itne zyada views aa gye ispe. Mujhe toh lgga tha woh hi 4-5 million pe ruk jayega"

"Kyun? Itna toh acha hai, aapne aap k liye expectations itne low kyun rakhti hai tu?" He asked leaning back into the headboard playing another one of the songs. It was one of my personal favourites. Baaz was in it too. I'd sang it once in the house. I focus back onto what he'd asked letting my smile fade slightly remembering the time I'd been anything but not confident about myself. How much confidence I held in what I did. "Pehle nhi the... woh Himanshi k time agar woh sab nhi hota toh shayad abhi bhi nhi hoti pr tab k comments parh k aaj bhi dil dukhta hai. Itna hate mila tha ki koi limit hi nhi" I mumble softly leaning into his side. The tv showcased a different song now seemingly having put the songs on autoplay. It was one of the only songs I'd gotten throughout the entire year. I watched his eyes stick to the screen as the montage played. I doubted he even understood a word of what was being sung.

Si - "Yeh look sch mein bohut acha hai vaise. Aur Woh posts delete kyun nhi kiye? Ab toh naya shuruwaat krna chahiye na tereko?"

"Agar woh sab nhi hota toh jo ajj hai woh bhi nhi hota. Hate nhi milta toh pyaar kaise aata? Bigg boss mein bhi nhi jaati main, tu, woh ghar aur Salman sir bhi nhi milte." I say pulling the covers higher up. He turned the tv off soon after, having spent the last hour asking about each and every song, shoot and even location although he had literally no idea where they were. "Dimag toh hai vaise tere mein, bas use hi nhi krna hota" he chuckled finally getting into bed properly. I gave him a smile still laying at a relative distance. Perhaps distance may not be necessary to control love sooner or later. Perhaps my heart was okay with being the type of friends we were, perhaps that was all we were meant for anyways. Maybe everything I'd thought was only a delusion. A delusion that brought me out everything I'd fallen into.

I felt a sharp breeze slither over me, awakening me from the sleep I'd fell into. Shifting around I ran my hand against the bed beside me not having felt his warmth as I woke up. Surprisingly I felt nothing but the crumpled sheets, only confusing me further as to where he'd gone. I sat up rubbing open my eyes, not missing the stench of burnt cigarettes. I huffed rolling my eyes, it was barely 8 in the morning. I got up stretching my arms, stopping hastily as I spot his disheveled self right outside, sitting on the floor of the balcony. He was definitely angry, much more than I'd seen him be before. I walk back over to my phone making sure it hadn't displayed something stupid enough to piss him off, but was faced by my family's picture staring back. I ran a hand through my hair putting it up into a bun before I moved outside, only in time for my phone to start buzzing. I picked up not looking at the name on the screen, slightly confused when I heard Di, relatively disturbed as she mumbled a few words I couldnt pick up. She was seemingly talking to someone in the background. "Di?" I mumble in question thinking that she'd probably called me by mistake.

P - "Sana? Sidharth ghar pr hi hai na? Ek ghante se phone kr rahe hai hum utha hi nhi raha aur maa ko bhi ghar aane se manna kr diya-"

"Haan di woh.. balcony mein hai. Aap itna stressed kyun lgg rahe ho? Aur aunty..? Unko kyun mnna kiya isne?" I ask bewildered at the new information I'd recieved. I heard her let out a breath seemingly held for a long time. "Sun tu please uske saath rehna... humme nhi aane dega woh shayad teri sun le- usne tujhe jaane k liye kaha toh bhi mat jaana please. Pta nhi har baar iske saath hi aisa kyun hota hai... jab bhi kuch acha ho toh yeh sab. Dekh Sana main sch bol rahi-"

S - "Di ek second, aap shant ho jao pehle aur ache se batao kya hua.. chinta mat kro maim nhi jaungi idhar se kahin bhi"

P - "Tere phone pr articles bhej rahi hu, audio bhi hai... agar kuch zyada hu toh phone kr dena please? Nhi toh mere ya maa k idhar chale aana."

"Nhi nhi di, koi na. Kahin nhi jaungi main. Aap relax kro 1-2 ghante tak call krvaati hu usse. Abhi mood bohut khrab lg raha hai. Aunty ko bhi relax krne bolo, shaam mein dinner k liye aana hi hai vaise bhi humne." I mumble continuing to end the call as quickly as I could. Di hadnt sounded too pleased about what this was. I opened up the message sitting back against the bed with a thud finishing reading halfway through the article. What the fuck was all of this? I clicked on the audio, my hand shaking as I reached for it my eyes stuck on Sidharth who sat outside, completely out of it. I played the audio turning the volume low enough for even me to barely hear. The profanities blaring from the other side making me wince, the tone harsher than what I'd heard. I look back outside tears brimming my eyes as I read through a few comments and tweets. That was definitely not the Sidharth I knew. My Sidharth could never do that, sure he had a problem with getting pissed off quick but I knew better than to believe he'd sworn at a woman he was dating like that. My mind ran back to the conversation I had with him last night about the hate comments. This was just as bad, almost like a continuation of the same. I hated how easily the public forgot everything from just 2 days ago. It was the same people abusing him now and I knew just how that felt. Especially with the experience I'd had.