Knock Me Down - [COMPLETE]

39 - Talk to Me

"Does it feel healthier though?"

"I think that's what it is. Like slowly I'm leaving the toxicity at the back of my head. It's still there but I don't have to be forced to face it everyday"

"It isn't hard being on your own now?" He looks a little worried so I reassure him.

"It's awful having my first car taken away just because of good memories, and I can't talk to anyone or see anyone, but it's not stuff I need. I have a job, it's retail hell, but I'm getting by. I'll have my own stuff with some saving. I have to take care of my abuela, cook, clean, help her to the bath, things like that. Which most is stuff Ive always had to do anyway at home, but now it's for someone else" I shrug, "It's not bad. I feel a little useful. Like I'm not just being locked away because people are ashamed of me"

"What about your family? I'm just asking because coping with having assholes in your family that treat you like they have is a hard reality, man. And if it doesn't get better, you know, I feel we've become like brothers man. I can't text you anymore, but I'm still here for you. People make families when they're not born into good ones"

I smile and kick him gently on the leg with my foot, "Thanks dude, I think so too. I've come to terms with what I'd do if I lose my parents. I don't wanna eat myself away trying to convince them of something they can't accept. It'd just be better for me to keep that out of my life, you know?"

He nods, "Yeah, and you have plenty of friends that get it. Like, uh" He wiggles his eyebrows up and down, "The Chorus and the Convicts"

"I ain't goin' Holden"

"Come on, Mateo, Saturday. Guarantee it'll make you feel better"

I glance at my watch, "I ain't goin'. I'm staying my ass home. Don't you have a date in an hour?"

"Oh shit" He looks at his phone remembering, "Wait. Don't change the subject"

"Too late. Leave."

We clean up, he grabs his things and I push him out as he says goodbye to my abuela who's sitting in her living room chair with Tina in her lap. I was nervous having him over. Like if she knows, she'd be suspicious of every guy I'm with. But she seemed to like him.

"See ya Holden. Call me at the house phone if you need me"

"I will, but remember, please go. Saturday man. If you can't go to the tournament at least have some fun. Take your mind off of it. All of it" He lowers his voice knowing my grandma was in earshot, "Connor will have me by the balls if he knows I couldn't convince you"

I smirk, stubborn, "Later, dude."

My feet are already turned away from the shut door when I realize I need to get ready for work soon. Halfway to the kitchen to get to the stairs there's a firm knock at the door. Did he leave his keys?

I roll my eyes brushing the palm of my hand over my hair and open the door, "What'd you forget—oh hell no.

...Benicio?"

"Hey...can I come in?" He has his duffle bag and his backpack on him. Full. Stuffed.

I don't say anything keeping my expression flat. I look at my grandma who's reading on her phone with her glasses on, "Hey, grandma, can I say one cuss word?"

"Uh, hm, depends, boy. To who? Who's at the door?"

"Benicio"

"Go ahead, baby"

I scowl, "Fuck no. Go home. While you can still be there by choice"

"I'm boycotting the house. Uh, like a sit in. Here. Until they say you can come back home"

I stare bewildered and amazed, "You leaving the house is doing them a favor. I don't even want to go back. I like living with abuela. Her and Tina are the only ones in this family who don't make me feel less than"

"Mateo, I'm sorry. I am. All I wanted was to make you hurt a little. Make you feel as betrayed as I did"

"Im closing the door"

He puts his foot and fingers on the frame to get in the way of closing it, "Dude, please, listen"

"If you think I won't smash 'em, I will"

"Just give me a chance to explain myself. You're acting like I'm the only one to blame. You haven't even tried to understand me!"

"So it's my fault?" Anger boils again from from the pit of stomach like lava flowing upwards into brain to spew. I've developed a temper but I don't care, I have reasons.

"You know, which one of us said we weren't brothers anymore? Who said that, because I think it was you who said that? Am I wrong? We're grown as hell. I don't have the will to deal with childish games. Para ser completamente honesto, es muy triste verte hacer algo tan patético. No quiero hablar más de esto. Ya vete"

"Mateo, help me up, please" My abuela calls out from the chair.

I go over to her supporting her back and carrying most of her weight as she grabs onto my arm to lift herself up, "Walk me to the door, please. I wanna see that boy"

"Hey, Grandma" He awkwardly shifts his bag, "How are you?"

"Ben, what're you doin' at my house?"

He glances at me unsure how to fill in the blank but I stay silent. I'm not helping him. I wanna see him make the same mistake. Out me again bitch, see what happens.

"I just wanted to talk to Mateo. Maybe stay over. Help out"

"Son, you barely touch a dish for ya momma at home, you gonna start doin' dishes here?"

"Uh..." He doesn't know what to say.

"Are you here to apologize?"

We look at each other as if saying 'so she knows'.

"Yeah. I came to apologize"

She hums in disapproval and shakes her head, "I'm so disappointed in you, boy. Y'just like ya' father. Julian. Insensitive. Impulsive. And stupid. Don't you see he needs to heal?"

She turns to me overlapping her other hand on mine, "Mateo, baby...do you wanna talk to him right now?"

I stare him in the eyes, keeping my emotions and my expression the same, "...No. I don't"

His shoulders drop slightly, hoping for a chance. My confidence is saved with how I safely manage not to tear up.

"You heard him. Give him space, Ben. If he doesn't want to, don't force it"

He takes a deep breath and nods, "I understand"

When he's gone I walk her back to her chair and help her take her shoes off. She reaches down as I untie them, touches my hair affectionately, and then holds my chin up, "Take your time, but you have to talk to him eventually"