sat by the ocean

everything will be okay.

I am done displacing emotions,
displacing fright,
displacing thought,
because these memories are not soft,
or just faded—they are long gone
and you lie to me and tell me that what happened wasn't true
well, you go ahead and talk now, but I would never gaslight you

this is for the song
that me and my partner listened to and had a weird night
this is for the people
that I have hated and loved and subsequently left behind
this is for the wolves
that I once embodied and then left to die
and this is for myself,
because no heart ever seems just as heavy as I.

.

everything is okay
but that's not good enough for me.
nothing ever seems to be,
because nothing in this little world here meets my needs.
I am through with finding solace
in the aching moments before the storm
and I am through with hurting myself
just 'cause you wanted me to be warm
well, I'm cold.

I'm cold,
and you won't extend a hand
when, time after time,
and night after night,
I gave you everything that used to be mine.

well, I'm cold,
and it's because nobody touches my skin
yeah,
I'm cold.
and it's bolder to say when I'm colder than this autumn day
than to say it's fine.

I'm terrified.
I always feel like I'm dying,
when on the inside
I know I'm not
but I always just feel like crying

I am prone to extremes
and it's harder to say because when I do it becomes no more

I am prone to unhealthy habits
no feet of rabbits
could break me out of my own mind

and I am not fine.

but I say that I am,
because will need to to stay alive
'cause if I die again,
I know I might not come back this time

and that is hard to admit,
because staring me right in the face is all the good love I've ever known,
it's my inner child
wonder when they'll stop screaming, wondering when I'm coming home?

and the answer is never,
because there is no more home for me in the place that she thinks

and she is weary and tear-stained
but she understands that I'm not the way people think

I am not brave
for going on like this for so long.
I am not fearless
just because none of my fears are common enough for me to notice.
I am not beautiful
because I am damaged, or broken, or neurotypical-looking at first glance.

no, I am afraid.
I am terrified of moving and yet I do,
because there is nothing else left.

no, I would be shaking,
but my body doesn't react
because I've been conditioned not to care.

yes, I am beautiful
but it's not like any of you assholes would ever know
because you spend more time looking at what's normal instead of looking at what's real.

I'm real.
I'm here.

I'm everything you say you want,
and yet, when you have me,
you look away,
because you wanted me but not like that.

so fuckung decide,
because I'm done playing games,
and if you wanted me to stay in a toxic household,
I'm not with that.

just fucking decide
if you love me
or you feel an obligation to care—
because I relate to that.

.

I am okay now.
these words spilled onto this page,
it's too late to go back.

it's not like they'd care.

so I'm going to sleep now,
but just know that I'm sorry
for ruining yoyr life
from the very moment when I first opened my eyes

but I'm not afraid
of death, or God, or church,
no,
I am afraid of fear.

I am afraid of fear because I knew it once called me its home,
and then it left me too.

everything will be okay,
I write to myself,
because it is true.