Words Left Unsaid

Something in me to like

Moon Young watched as Gang Tae walked towards her, his lips curved in a soft smile that caused a flurry of butterflies in her stomach. She still couldn't believe that beautiful smile of his could be directed towards her, and that coming here today, just the two of them, was entirely his idea. A part of her was so afraid that this was all a dream, and that she was going to wake up all alone in her cursed castle any minute now.

Despite the outfit change issue before heading out, this was shaping up to be a lovely day. She was having such a good time being silly with him. She and Gang Tae really were both still kids at heart, and it showed in their choice of activities: taste-testing different chips to figure out which was best, singing along to old, cheesy songs, crossing a hanging bridge despite her being scared of heights ... this was definitely the best date of her life. All other dates before this, with faceless men she never really cared about, in fancy restaurants with stilted conversation, were erased from her memory. She would forever remember this day instead.

She hoped he would look back on this day fondly, too. She hoped he was having as good a time as she was.

She hoped ... she hoped that he could find something in her to like.

On their way here, she had found a restaurant online with good reviews and a breathtaking view of the mountains. It looked like a really romantic little spot and would be the perfect setting for their first date meal. Best of all, the reviews said that the restaurant was famous for its jjampong, a spicy noodle soup that she knew was Gang Tae's favourite, thanks to a comment she heard Sang Tae make a few weeks ago. She couldn't wait to surprise him by taking him there.

"Have you not taken enough photos?" he asked jokingly when he came to stand next to her, pointing at her phone.

"Not yet," she said, and ordered him to sit on a nearby bench and pose. After taking some solo shots of him, she joined him and they took a few selfies. She had to cajole a few genuine smiles out of him for the photos by making him laugh, but she got there in the end. She looked affectionately at the photos, in awe of Gang Tae's happy face. What a treasure.

"I was searching for nearby restaurants online when we were driving here, and there's this really cute family-run restaurant ten minutes away," she said brightly, as they got up from the bench. "It's nestled in the mountains and from the photos it looks like it has a stunning view, I think it's going to be really pretty—"

"Ah... hyung called," Gang Tae interrupted, scratching his head awkwardly. "He said he's finishing his shift at the pizza place early today. I told him we would pick him up once his shift finishes. If we don't leave now, we won't make it on time. We can have lunch there?"

"What? We're going back already?" she asked, dumbfounded. They hadn't been here for long at all. She had been so looking forward to taking him to the restaurant and seeing his look of surprise that she knew he loved jjampong. Surely he would be impressed that she took the effort to remember these little things about him. Then she wanted to watch the sunset with him from this lookout before heading back. It would have been such a beautiful moment to share together.

And Sang Tae worked at Gang Tae's best friend's pizza shop. Couldn't Gang Tae just ask Jae Su to stall him for a few hours? Wasn't that the kind of thing best friends did for each other, when one of them was out on a date?

"Yes, we have to go back now," he said, checking his watch again. "This was fun, but hyung..."

Suddenly, it all became clear. Moon Young had been in denial all morning, but she couldn't hold back her doubts anymore. Maybe this isn't really a date, the voice in her head she was holding back finally broke through. Why would he want to date someone like you, anyway? He could find someone who was loveable. Someone without all this ugliness inside.

Gang Tae had never actually said it was a date, and the way he was treating her so far wasn't very date-like. Maybe to him, all this was just a cordial housemate outing. He had a day off, and he knew she never said no to him, and here they were. Maybe that was all.

She wanted to protest, wanted to say that his hyung would be fine alone for a few more hours, and that he should just focus on her. But she knew his brother always came first, and she worried that if she said anything bad about Sang Tae that Gang Tae would shut her out again. So she counted to three in her head and finally said, "Alright, let's go have pizza then."

On their way back to Seongjin City, he explained to her that Sang Tae wouldn't like it if he found out the two of them had gone somewhere without him, and he talked her through the lie he had devised for Sang Tae. She nodded silently as he prattled on about her being in a meeting with Lee Sang In and Gang Tae simply picking her up after running his errands, and they were all going to have pizza together. And we will all pretend that everything is fine and nothing has changed, she thought.

She didn't know why they had to lie about this. Couldn't he just tell Sang Tae they were out on a date? Sang Tae wasn't stupid, he would understand. In fact, Moon Young thought Sang Tae saw a lot of things more clearly than others and he loved receiving honesty as much as he loved being honest with others. But then again, this was just more proof that this was not really a date to Gang Tae. It was just a housemate outing and Sang Tae had been left out of it.

Gang Tae tried to make conversation, but her disappointment at him cutting their trip short — as if wasn't important to him at all, and they could just pack up and go back home just like that — made it difficult to respond.

She thought back to her resolution last week, back when she realised he may not reciprocate her feelings in the same way. Last week, she had decided that she would keep him in her life in whatever way he deemed he wanted to stay there. Even if it meant that she had to hold herself back.

But as she watched him drive with a worried expression on his face — no doubt stressing about his brother, as usual — she realised something. She was suppressing herself exactly how Gang Tae usually hid his real feelings and wishes. Was she being a hypocrite by doing the same thing with him? Would walking on eggshells this way not destroy her in the long run? Would she have been better off expressing her real feelings when he said he needed to go back to be with Sang Tae?

She tried to think of days, weeks, months of counting to three, biting her tongue, smiling a fake smile, keeping her opinions to herself. Perhaps he would stay if she behaved, but to what end? Without her pushing his boundaries, would he ever own up to his true self? Would he ever wake up from the stagnant existence he had cursed himself to? Would he ever really know her, and she, him? Would they just be circling in each other's orbits without ever colliding?

Being herself, or turning into a female version of Gang Tae ... both options had the potential of her getting hurt. But maybe it was better to get hurt while being true to herself, rather than pretending everything was okay.

She sighed. She would try to perk up and be herself again once they got to the pizza place. For now, she was tired — tired from not getting enough sleep last night because of her excitement, and tired today for realising what a naive fool she had been to get excited over nothing. She closed her eyes and tried to doze off. Her heart felt heavy with the weight of yet another of his rejections.