Loop

'What am I doing?', he wonders when he makes sure that no one is going to enter the shared bedroom before he swallows the smalls pills he poured into his hand. He doesn't know how many there are. Hell, he doesn't even know what they are for – was it sleeping pills? Or pain killers? Both? – and he doesn't care. They suit his purpose, that's all he's asking for.

After he downed all of them he lies down and waits. Liam, his roommate, comes in and wishes him a good night before crawling into his bed.
The other three guys he's sharing the apartment with follow soon after. They don't ask any questions, don't wonder about him being unusually quiet the whole day and heading for the bedroom as soon as they arrived at the dorm.

It doesn't take long for them to fall asleep and for him to be the only one awake. He stares blankly at the ceiling waiting for something to happen but the pills take their time. The ticking sound of his clock is the only thing he can hear right now. This and his never ending merry-go-round of thoughts that make him dizzy – but maybe it's only the effect of the pills?

They are loud, they scream at him but he's unable to understand them, unable to comprehend what they want to tell him. Whenever he tries to block all of them out but one, new ones appear and make it even more difficult to stop this mess inside his head. He isn't even sure if he's thinking about anything at all but then again there has to be a reason for his head to feel like it's going to explode any second.
At one point his eyes keep closing, he's feeling drowsy and strangely relaxed. 'So it was sleeping pills', he thinks before giving in and letting them lead him into darkness.

When he wakes up everything hurts. His body aches and every move he makes lets blinding pain shoot straight for his head. He opens his eyes and notices that it's still dark outside but what is hurting his eyes then?

He swallows hard and slowly gets up into a sitting position. A mistake, he realizes, when bile piles up in his throat and he runs for the bathroom to bend over the toilet to empty his stomach – not that there was much in there to begin with. Tears shoot into his eyes and stream down his face.

When his stomach is completely empty he's still gagging while his stomach hurts from trying to get out whatever is harming the body. He curls up into a small ball, his head feeling like it's stabbed by thousands and thousands of needles. His stomach is cramping and he shoots up when a new wave of nausea washes over him.

'What am I doing?', he thinks again and squeezes his eyes shut. A light knock on the door makes him jump slightly.

"Ian?"

It's Liam's voice and he sounds sleepy and confused. He must have woken him up and immediately feels bad about it. It wasn't his intention to rob the boy of his important sleep.

"Ian, are you okay?"

Liam sounds concerned now but he doesn't respond. Instead he throws up again and for a split second he wonders how there can still be something coming out of his body when there shouldn't be anything left.
He hears footsteps, an indication that Liam has probably gone back to bed and he heaves a sigh of relieve but gags right after. The sharp smell of vomit reaches his nostrils and he flushes the toilet. His head is heavy and he has to prop it on his hands in order to keep himself in a somewhat upright position.
He lets himself sink against the cold tiled wall, eyes still closed, legs pulled up against his body and head still resting on his hands, when footsteps approach the bathroom door again but this time it sounds like it's more than just one person. Liam obviously woke one of the others. The sound hurts in his ears and makes his head throb in pain. Then there's a knock again.

"Ian...?"

"Ian, are you okay?"

It's Kyle. He's actually glad that it's him and not Sam or Alex but he still wishes he would be alone right now so he doesn't answer.
Kyle doesn't seem to be satisfied and when the older man doesn't get an answer after asking for the fifth time he opens the door and turns on the light.
Even though he has his eyes closed the light hurts and he groans. It takes some time until he's able to adjust to the sudden brightness around him and he slowly opens his eyes. He looks up and sees Kyle standing in front of him, arms crossed in front of his chest and staring at him without uttering a single word.
Liam is still at the door. There is no smile on his lips. He's frowning and his look is concerned.

When Ian's eyes flicker back to Kyle the man sighs and kneels down in front of him.

"Let's get you back to bed", he says and reaches out to help him stand up. 'He knows', Ian realizes when Kyle leads him out of the bathroom and back to his bed, Liam following them closely and he unsurprisingly doesn't care. So what if he knows, it doesn't make a difference.

'What am I doing?'

The thought crosses his mind yet again when he lies down. He knows that this small amount of pills won't kill him. He knows it doesn't matter how many times he tries to end his life like this it won't work.
But still, there is this tiny spark of hope that maybe, one day, it will work. A hope that, even though it's small, is still strong enough to make him try again and again.

"Good night", he hears Kyle say but he only turns around to face the wall and closes his eyes.
When sleep washes over him he already knows that by the time he wakes up, Kyle has already convinced Sam to talk to their boss to get him a day off from work.

And as soon as the depression starts controlling him again he will try once more – until it works.