Trace

Chapter 2

I would go on to then kindly flip him off, and we would laugh. We'd been renting the same house for four seasons, and this was the first time I had spent the night alone. I used to spend summer nights playing mini golf with Jude, or running down the boardwalk to the amusement park on the pier. We had always been together. School was supposed to start in a week, and I couldn't shake this queasy sensation, the way it made my stomach churn. My palms would clam up and I would become aware of every itch, then stare off into the unknown with this suffocating fear.

It was starting to happen again, the more and more I dwelled on Jude, on college, and Lauren - my future. I would apply to at least five universities, that was what my guidance counselor advised. And then after January, I would file paperwork for financial aid. I would graduate in June, sitting on that football field in ninety degree weather in a gown that would be two sizes too big, and a cap with a tassel that somehow symbolized my journey through the public school system of central New Jersey. 

Then, I would hug all of my friends, and probably take hundreds of photos that would only serve to remind me of how much I missed out in high school. I never quite fit in anywhere, but I wanted to belong. I wanted to have a people. Maybe if I could sing, i could have been a theatre kid, and gushed all of my profound, emotional artistry onto those who would listen. If I had the slightest shred of anger towards men and an obsession with Doctor Who, maybe I could have joined the die-hard feminist crew. Or if I got shit-faced every weekend, was a size two, owned every David Yurman ring, worked out at the gym with a Whole Foods lunch break afterward, I could have been popular.

I could have been a lot of things, I guess. But I always stopped myself. I was aggressive with my intelligence, I could formulate a sentence without using like or um, and maybe I was too opinionated. I was hungry for everything at once, food included, and it wasn't good enough. I wasn't simple enough, yet I lacked complexity altogether. My body would always be an issue, and I found organic food to be overpriced. I had never kissed a boy, but my mother and sister would always say I should take what i can get. What if I wanted more? What if I wanted someone to challenge me, to want me, to make me laugh and understand the way I looked at the world.  Why not more?

Because the world is harsh. It takes, but doesn't give. There's no perfect formula and I hate it. I hate that I can't figure out people, that I wish I could adapt to anyone. I hate that my ability to over-think and murder a good situation with my cynicism, drives any and all away. I can't dumb myself down, but I can't strive to be more either. And all of this. all of this fucked up, stupid shit that I keep spinning over and over in my head, chokes me until I can't breathe, until I cry and wonder why am I even here. What am I going to think of my life fifty years from now? Will I ever get married, will my children hate me? Will the world know my name, or will I matter to at least a scattered few?

"Ellie?"

I turn, my cheeks burning with hot, heavy tears and I find Jude standing at the top of the stairs. The summer breeze whispers through his hair, and his forehead creases in worry.

"Why are you crying?"

I shake my head, banishing the sadness until I get a hold of myself. I hastily wipe my face with the backs of my hands, and then inhale.

"No reason."

"So you just felt like crying?"

I nod. Jude smirks and strolls over, settling beside me on the railing until our shoulders graze. He peers out over the houses to the beach, where the water has turned as black as oil, and only the sounds of the amusement park sing in the distance. I lick my lips, tasting the salt of the Atlantic Ocean and let the humidity coat my skin.

"How was the party?"

"Party?" Jude frowns.

"You've been gone since this afternoon. I know you weren't on the beach this whole time."

Jude glances at me, before flexing his shoulders to stare down at his feet.

"I know you don't like those types of things, so I-"

"Jude it's fine. I'm not busting you. It's cool that you went."

"Yea?" He watches me with apprehension.

I shrug, "I'm not your mom and I don't want to be a dead-weight. Was it fun?"

He grins a big, toothy smile and I can't help but smile back, "It was awesome. And Lauren...she's cool, Ellie. I think you would liker her."

I press my lips together firmly and look out ahead, feeling that fear start to nip at my fingers until Jude breaks through.

"When we get out of school, this time next summer, we'll be finishing our vacation around the world."

I smile, quickly as it becomes tinged with sadness, "And then we'll move into our dorms, in our colleges."

"I can't wait to get out of here," Jude whispers, his voice elated with adventure.

"Jude?"

"Yea?"

"Promise me something," I feel my mouth start to go dry, and I run a shaky hand through my hair.

Another warm breeze rolls in, washing over us as the echo of our mothers drifts from downstairs. But Jude knows, he just does. And he cranes his head towards mine, those handsome pale blues gazing warmly back at me.

Jude drapes a lazy arm across my shoulders and whispers, "I promise."