Compos Mentis

Chapter 1

The silence was deafening. An oxymoron maybe but that was the only way to describe the atmosphere on the bridge. Kathryn had always believed that when Voyager finally returned home there would be shouts, screams, laughter, tears. She had always half expected to be picked up by Paris and twirled around like a teenager. She would give him her customary death glare before admitting defeat, he would grin, Harry would laugh and Chakotay would chuckle, while Tuvok would merely raise an eyebrow. How things have changed she thought.

She had imagined getting home in many different scenarios, another array, a wormhole, slipstream technology or some other yet to be discovered alien technology. She had never, ever imagined a borg hub or the appearance of a future Admiral Kathryn Janeway.

And what a revelation she had been. The depth of the Admiral's guilt and determination had scared Kathryn. Not because she didn't recognise her future self, but that she recognised her all too well. Oh there were moments of levity with the Admiral but her intensity and single mindedness were all too familiar for Kathryn. She could quite understand how she became the Admiral. Hell she was half way there.

Seven years ago she would not have said to hell with the temporal prime directive for her own selfish means, seven years ago she would not have come close to committing the murder of a fellow Starfleet officer – no matter what their crime - and seven years ago she would not have made deals with the borg.

Seven years with a stranded crew in the Delta Quadrant had changed Kathryn Janeway in many ways. And unfortunately not all of them were for the better.

She closed her eyes, forcing the negative thoughts out of her mind. Be happy – you've just managed to travel over 75,000 light years in seven years. The problem was that the silence was no longer just deafening; it was beginning to feel oppressive. Kathryn tugged at the collar of her uniform, her face felt like it was on fire and she struggled to get oxygen into her lungs. Pull yourself together.

She looked around to see if she was the only person suffering, perhaps the journey had affected the environmental controls. Harry was staring in wonderment at the viewscreen, willing Earth closer with every second. She turned to her right to see Tuvok working quietly at Tactical before swinging back around to her left at Seven who was looking directly in front. At Chakotay. Let's not go there. None of your business.

No one else seemed to be suffering from lack of oxygen. It was just the fearless Captain Janeway who appeared to be having a panic attack, while the Federation Fleet escorted the intrepid starship back home through the Alpha Quadrant. That's the Enterprise. I wonder if Picard has ever had a panic attack on the bridge.

This was ridiculous. She needed to get some time to herself. To decompress. To sort through the myriad of emotions swirling through her.

"Commander, Ill be in my Ready Room – you have the bridge."

She didn't wait for Chakotay's response. She ignored the question that she knew would be on his lips and she dismissed the sense of everyone eyes on her as she retreated to her Ready Room.

I just need to breathe.

=/\=

"She's got your eyes B'Elanna." Chakotay said softly, never taking his eyes off the beautiful newborn baby.

"Yeah but she has Tom's mouth though. Hopefully it won't turn out to be quite so big as her father's." Chakotay smiled at B'Elanna and Tom's indignant 'hey!'

Chakotay didn't know about the facial features that belonged to the Paris genes; all he knew was that this was the most beautiful baby he had ever seen. He could not have loved her more than if she was his own.