rainy days in la. （ a. knight ）

2.2 // you could be my last heaven

Therapy was hard.

I'd spent so long bottling things up, pushing the pain aside, throwing myself into school or work or anything I could get my hands on that wasn't my overwhelming grief about my dead son and my shattered relationship.

I cried a lot. I cried reading Awsten's book chapter, I cried a lot in therapy, and I cried a lot with Awsten. He was working hard himself in therapy, and I couldn't have been more proud of him. I knew this was hard for him, and it hurt me to see him in such pain.

I started painting again, and the emotions continued to spill out of me. I would stay up all night painting my feelings, only to paint over the canvases again the next day. Art was always my safe space, my refuge, and I hadn't painted in so long, probably because of my grief. But once I had started chipping away the trauma in therapy, it seemed that the creativity spilled out of me and I couldn't stop.

But that was okay. It was cathartic.

I knew Awsten was writing, too. He was back into journaling his feelings and I knew he was writing songs. He'd never release them, they were just for him and us, but it was good for him. I was happy to see him being creative, too.

* * *

Awsten and I got coffee on a particularly bad therapy day. He was upset with himself. They had talked about Serena, and how she had made him feel.

"I just hate that I let it go on for so long, when I knew it wasn't healthy and people I loved were telling me she was using me." Awsten laughed, but it was hard. "I'm such a fucking idiot."

"You were hurting, and she took advantage of it," I told him gently.

"No. I was an asshole who knew I was still in love with you and got into another relationship regardless." He paused, frowned. "I deserved it."

I was floored. My heart broke. "Nobody deserves to be cheated on, Awsten."

He shook his head and I watched his mismatched eyes gloss over with tears. "I did. I led her on in a lot of ways. It was my fault."

There was nothing I could do to make him believe any differently.

* * *

Though we weren't together, Awsten and I spent Valentine's Day together. I didn't expect Awsten to even want to take the night off so close to when he would be leaving for tour, but he surprised me yet again and showed up to my apartment with groceries and flowers.

The foolish part of me wanted to let Awsten go further when we ended up kissing for a long time on my couch, but we weren't ready yet.

"I'm sorry," I told him, when I had to push him away.

"Don't be. I don't want to have sex when I'm sad anymore. It makes me feel worse."

So instead of having sex, we talked to each other. We talked so long that the sun came up and we decided to go for breakfast instead of going to bed. We went to our favorite breakfast place, the teeny tiny one with only eight tables and incredible chocolate chip pancakes.

"Can I call you when I go on tour?"

"Always."

* * *

Awsten called me after he deleted the files for Waterparks' new album, Friendly Reminder. He sounded almost manic and the phone was shaking as he stared into the camera of our FaceTime call.

"I had a long talk with Benji while I was away. About the album and about me. I felt like it didn't hit the way it was supposed to. The songs were good, but they didn't hit me." He sighed. "The thing is, I don't want to write break up songs. I don't want to write those lame whining longing songs I used to write for you. I want to say other things more, and I want to talk about who I am outside of my relationships."