GILLIGAN’S ISLAND Epic Story
by DanKitti
The sun shone brightly on the island as Gilligan woke up to the sounds of mermaids playing ukuleles.
“Gosh”, thought Gilligan, “I never saw anything like that before.” Gilligan scratched his head as he considered the sight of hundreds of beautiful mermaids with ukuleles. But by the time he could get The Skipper, they were gone.
Meanwhile, on another part of the island, Ginger and Maryanne were trying on some sexy lingerie from a package that had washed up on shore from Frederick’s of Hollywood. They had to try them on in secret so as to not spoil their image as “nice” TV girls.
“Gosh, Maryanne”, said Ginger, “I’m so sick of being stranded on a deserted island on TV. If we weren’t on TV, we could have lots of fun, flirting with Gilligan, The Skipper too, The Millionaire, and his wife.”
“The millionaire AND his wife?” asked Maryanne.
But Ginger had no time to answer her. The story was about to shift back to the Girls’ Hut, and Ginger and Maryanne were hurriedly changing back to their “regular” clothes.
That week’s episode was the one where a bank robber, played by Larry Storch, lands on Gilligan’s Island. Ginger and Maryanne were surprised to see Zsa Zsa Gabor roaming around the island instead. Several minutes later they were equally shocked to see Ann B. Davis with what would appear to be two of the Brady Kids, now grown up.
“Oh no!”, they screamed at once. “Is this another... another... It was almost too much for them to say. Ginger’s voice trembled as she said, “This must be another Made-For-TV Movie!”
Maryanne looked pale. “You mean...?”
“Exactly”, Ginger said, “This is “THE BRADY BUNCH ON GILLIGAN’S ISLAND”!”
“Oh no!”, they said in unison once again.
But no, it was not a Made-For-TV-Movie, it was something even more hideous. All the while the castaways were marooned on the island, The Professor warned them to stay away from the far side of the island. He warned them of quicksand, swamps, alligators and such.
But the real reason he wanted them away from that part of the island was far more insidious. It seemed The Professor had an evil scheme, to take over the entire world with a race of Zombie Mutant Slaves. The mermaids Gilligan saw were early prototypes.
Back in Ginger and Maryanne’s hut, Zsa Zsa Gabor was acting very strangely. She was asking all sorts of questions about The Brady Bunch, and what they were doing on the island. And where was Larry Storch? Zsa Zsa had previously watched this episode at her home in Beverly Hills, and demanded to know what happened to the Larry Storch character.
“I’ve seen this episode hundreds of times, Darlings, and I insist you tell me where Larry is.” She was unaware of the Larry Storch character being tied up and held prisoner on the far side of the island. He had tragically wandered into the “Neutral Island Territory”, as The Professor called it, and had seen the Zombie Mutant Slaves.
Zsa Zsa, having left the girls’ hut, Maryanne and Ginger had gone back to trying on frilly nighties and such. They were shocked to see the Robot from “Lost In Space”, who had passed thru a time warp. He was followed by Will Robinson and Dr. Smith. The girls quickly covered themselves up. Dr. Smith was also in suspense as to the missing Larry Storch character.
Eventually, all this got back to The Professor, who, sensing there might be some suspicion, had one of the Zombie Mutant Slaves substitute for the Larry Storch character. But Zsa Zsa, the Brady Bunch, Dr. Smith, Will Robinson, and The Robot were not impressed. They knew something must be up. That person didn’t even remotely look like Larry Storch. And exactly what WERE the Brady Bunch doing on the island?
Meanwhile, Gilligan had just formed a rock group by teaching some chimpanzees to play the electric guitars and drums that washed on shore one day.
“That’s funny, I don’t remember THIS episode”, Mr. Howell said, as the Gilligan-Tones, as he called them, took the stage.
“Not remember this episode?”, Mrs. Howell scoffed indignantly, “I thought you had them all on videocassette!”
“But Lovey, VCRs won’t even be invented for at least ten years, and they won’t be commercially available until the late 1970s.”
“Well, there’s no use waiting for the last minute”, Mrs. Howell said.
Meanwhile, on the deserted part of the island, The Professor awaited his rendezvous with Maryanne. She had done a swell job of covering for him. Even she pretended to not know about his scheme to take over the world by brainwashing the citizens of the world thru extremely vapid TV programming. “Gilligan’s Island” was just the beginning. There was also “The Brady Bunch.” And those horrendous TV-Movie epics, such as “The Harlem Globetrotters On Gilligan’s Island”. Then the “Brady Bunch” spinoffs. “The Brady Bunch Comedy Hour”, “The Brady Brides” and “A Very Brady Christmas”. Sherwood Schwartz was just a puppet. The real brains behind all this was The Professor. He even had The Minnow shipwrecked for just such a purpose, so as to have the castaways in an ever-increasingly dopey show which would dull the senses of the citizens of the world. Then he’d have the Zombie Mutants assume the roles of TV sitcom characters.
Meanwhile, back at the Gilligan-Tones performance, all the castaways, plus Zsa Zsa, the Robot, Will, Dr. Smith, The Brady Bunch, and Donna Reed, were enjoying the music. Everyone kept asking to hear “The Ballad of Gilligan’s Island”. Gilligan refused to play it, tho.
After the show, Mr. And Mrs. Howell returned to their secret diamond mine. It had never been established on the show, but the Howells had billions of dollars worth of diamonds on the island, and would ship it back home in the regular Secret Supply Ship, which would come to the island every two weeks. Little did everyone on the island know, The Howells were not exactly “stranded” on the island. They made regular trips to the States, staying for as much as two or three months, and only returning for a week or two. Nobody noticed, since, as the Howells weren't exactly “the best of company”, being so boring and conceited, no one noticed they weren’t still there on the island.
Maryanne and Ginger returned once again to the privacy of their hut, where they tried on more of the sexy lingerie that washed up on the shore of the island. Ginger and Maryanne were surprised to see The Partridge family right outside their hut, playing a medley of hits from their TV show. But it wasn’t really them, it was a group of Zombie Mutant Slaves, pretending to be The Partridge Family. Ginger was shocked. Maryanne pretended to be, altho she knew it was all part of the Professor’s evil plan to take over the entire world.
the end
