Lonely Lost & Found

Chapter Two: Party Night

"Sup Insta. Been a while. Here's my face." I hit post and rolled my eyes at myself. Cool guy, Alex. 'Here's my face' idiot.

I looked at the clock again as I finished eating, it was getting closer til I had to leave for school, so I downed the rest of my coffee, cleaned my dishes and dragged myself back to my room. I grabbed my bag, then realized that I never taped the blade back in it's spot in my journal, so I did that. I also forgot about the heart medication that didn't help at all, but I popped that in and downed it dry. It was a tiny pill anyway, so it wasn't hard to swallow by itself.

I got into my car much to my dismay, because I truly did not want to go back.
I drove around a few times, since I still had time. I played a lot of Paramore this morning, singing along. My favorite being When It Rains. That was another thing I liked about myself, I guess I could sing alright. I played a little guitar too, but I wasn't sure if I was any good at that. My mom said I was but she's my mom, she's supposed to say that, even if I sucked.

When there was absolutely no more time to waste, I went into the parking lot, parked my car and entered hell. I mean, school.
Once again, my first few classes went great. Of course, I didn't speak in any of them. Last time I tried that, someone yelled 'shut up fag' at me, my teacher snapped at the guy, but I still wasn't willing to speak after that.
I was mostly worried about getting to my locker. That was the main place that people liked to pick on me. 

I looked around before I opened it, no one so far. I put my bag in, closed my locker and looked around again. No one but other passing students. Hm. Lucky me.
I walked over to the benches. I'd be avoiding the cafeteria. 
I noticed a flyer taped to the pole next to the bench I was on. It was about the party and it's pretense was a student get together. I rolled my eyes at that one.
I grabbed the flyer anyway. It said anyone was invited. 
I knew I was stupid for actually wanting to go. I know I'd just get hurt in the end, but I couldn't help myself. I wanted to see if maybe someone would talk to me outside of school, maybe want to be my friend.
It was wishful thinking, to be honest but I couldn't help myself. I couldn't be the freak forever, right? Surely someone at this school had it worse than me or could be like me, or at least have some common interests in me. I wasn't looking for a depressed kid with manic tendencies, an anxiety disorder or a cardiac problem. I wasn't looking for any of the above. I was just looking for a friend.

I also understood that I did this to myself though, I never really went out to eat or to the mall or anything like that.
I did occasionally walk the trails, following the river to get to this waterfall at the end of my favorite trail, and I did see people there, but not many.

I was really surprised when the day went smoothly.

I went home content.

_____

'Thursday

I'm debating on going to this party or not, and what to wear. 
I can't wear what I usually wear, right? I have to at least look at decent as I can if someone's gonna give me the time of day.

It's tomorrow night. 
What if I was right, and all they do is humiliate me?
Do I take the risk? Do I wind up going and regret it?
Or by some stroke of luck, do I meet a decent person, or at least have a conversation with someone.
I know I haven't met everyone at my school, mostly people didn't notice me unless they were purposely trying to make fun of the gay kid who wasn't even out of the closet. 

My heart's racing thinking about it. That reminds me, I need to call my cardiologist.

Let's hope tomorrow is good. Today managed to be. Again.
Hopefully it stays that way.
I think avoiding the cafeteria and only going to my locker when I need to has helped a lot.
Maybe I'd keep doing that. I kinda like spending lunch sitting on the benches under the trees anyway. Better than that cafeteria.

Night.
Remember Alex, keep it the fuck together.' 

_____

'Friday

Today's the day.
I have what I'm gonna wear picked out. I think it'll look nice. 

If I can avoid getting hit today too, maybe, just maybe I can go to this party unscathed.
My wrist is healing. Still red and angry though, so I'm gonna keep the gauze around it. I don't need anyone seeing it. If someone sees the gauze and asks, I could just tell them I fell and scraped my wrist trying and failing to catch myself on the sidewalk. I mean, that would work right?

Maybe. 
I'm saying maybe a lot today.

If you're red tonight, it means this all went horribly wrong and I was stupid for even going.

Keep it together Alex, do your best. Don't freak the fuck out. Be normal.'

School went well too. 
The asshole with the brown hair, whatever his name was, the one who normally pushed me around slammed me into my locker while he walked by me, but he left me at that.
My back hurt, but it could've been much worse.
I wondered if he was keeping it low because I heard him talking about some girl he really wanted to get with.
I figured he was just distracted by her. 
Either way, I appreciated it.

Huh. 
Appreciating some douchebag and almost thanking him for not beating me.
Wonderful.

Getting home was fine too.
The party starts at 8. It's 4 right now.

I showered and made damn sure that each strand of hair was perfect, that my face was the way I liked it, very short stubble on it. I made sure that I was covered in all of the essentials, brushed and mouthwashed teeth, deodorant, cologne for once instead of body spray, all that good stuff.
I hadn't even noticed that I hadn't touched my hips with that blade in a long time when I was looking myself over in the mirror.
Go me.

I hung around my room, waiting to put my party clothes on so my dumbass wouldn't ruin them, because if I put them on now, I'd surely find a way.

The time passed slowly and it had me thinking that maybe I was a complete moron for choosing to go after all.
Still, I'd committed in the sheer hope that maybe someone would pay me even the slightest bit of positive attention.
I sat there playing Ocarina of Time for the billionth time until the clock read 7 PM.
I turned my game and TV off and changed myself into a nice pair of black, tight jeans, a grey V neck and my favorite leather jacket. I laced my combat style boots up and looked myself over in the mirror, and for once, I didn't see someone who needed to look better. I saw someone who looked good, as good as I could look at least.
I got a feeling of happiness, actual happiness. I hadn't had one of those feelings in a hot minute.

I grabbed my keys, making sure my wallet was in my front pocket along with my phone in the other front pocket, grabbed the flyer and headed to the party.