How too love again?

Chapter 7

“Meko bata Shehnaaz isme kasie part nhi le rhi hai because.. tune hi bola tha ki uske sath humsha different hoga!!!”

“Hum yeh baat shanti se be kr skte hai Arti. Or main just tujhse honest ho rha hun tu achi hai but meko abhi commitment nhi chahiye and I want too break up.”

As the words pour out of his mouth, he realizes how lighter he feels now that he’s said this. He’s worried for a while about this, about how this girl was literally just wasting time on him. It had been fun enough, but now it just wasn’t because she was looking for something he wasn’t able to offer.

He’s actually breaking up with her should be clear enough by now he guesses, as he receives an incoming call from an Unknown number.

“I’m sorry, could you give me a moment?” Arti is looking at him like he’s the biggest asshole in the world. “Hello?"

"Is this Sidharth Shukla?" The male voice says.

 

"Yes I'm."

The words that come from the other side of the line make his stomach drop, a feeling he hadn’t felt for so long making its comeback. The same feeling that was there whenever they ran into danger for the entire duration of high school. The same feeling when Shehnaaz was and depression and she drank poison. The same feeling when Shehnaaz had kissed Asim.

He bolts out of the door without Arti being able to say anything else because the one thing on his mind is her. His anchor. Forever is anchor. Forever the name on his lips.

Shehnaaz had been shot.

_____________________________

(Sid and Charles ki conversation English me hi hogi)

Charles, Shehnaaz's head in FBI places a hand on his shoulder as he sits down beside him. “Shehnaaz's mom and your mom are flying in tomorrow. There were no flights tonight.” He tells him quietly. There’s a nervous energy radiating off of him that Sidharth thinks is rare. It’s only natural, he supposes, it’s probably not close to the excruciating pain he’s feeling, the tightness in his chest, but still, Charles is kind of family. He’s the one who called Shehnaaz's mother, he’s the one that had to call her and tell her that Shehnaaz was shot in the chest. That even after all that she survived, a bullet was still lodged in her chest.

He nods weakly, his hands are still shaking. They haven’t stopped shaking. And he feels exhausted. Mentally, physically, all of the above. It feels as though the energy had been sucked out of his body. It’d been two hours since he’d learned of Shehnaaz getting shot and it’d been two hours of knowing little to nothing about her condition. Just that she was in surgery and that she had been shot in the chest. And those were two very daunting informations.

“The kid’s okay. Agent Diane is pretty beat up but she’ll be alright.” Charles mentions. “She saved them.”

“How the hell did this happen?” Sidharth breathes out. He hadn’t managed to ask questions, had merely stood there as Charles tried to explain Shehnaaz’s condition and then he was off talking on the phone to his bosses and whatnot and Sidharth just couldn’t ask.

“She put herself in the line of fire to save the kid. We thought it was a simple stakeout, but Diane went in and then Betty made a last minute decision and saved her. She saved all of them.” Sidharth sighs, face buried in his hands. “She did her job, Sid. She made a call and she went through with it.”

“Give me a break, Charles.” He scoffs. “It doesn’t make it any better. Call me selfish but after all the times I almost lost her because we were saving people or keeping someone safe, I’d rather everyone else go to hell and keep her.”

Charles sighs, leaning back against the chair. “She knew the risk.”

“She’s only here because she agreed to work for the FBI. Because you-“ A sob ripples through and Charles rubs his back. “It’s not fucking fair.”

“She’s gonna make it. It’s Shehnaaz, she’s a fighter. She’ll make it.” He tries to reassure him.

“I’m gonna get some air. Come get me if there’s any news.” He stands up, glancing back at Charles before making his way towards the exit. He wants to feel bad for snapping at him but right now he can’t get one thought straight.

It’s not fair. It’s not fair that after escaping that black hole of a town, he was back to fearing for her life. He curses himself for not thinking about it before, for not thinking of her job, that she was in the FBI, that she was risking her life most days, this time for a living. And now he was living the ultimate nightmare.

He couldn’t lose her. Not like this. Not when they just got back to being in each other’s lives. Not when she was laughing with him and no longer holding herself back. Back to some semblance of who they were. He refuses to accept it. Because he still loves her just as much as he did, yes. It’s been years of accepting that he may never truly stop loving her. That whatever he does, it’s always there and he’s lived with it for so long. He hadn’t felt ready to jump into things with her, he doesn’t want to still, he doesn’t feel as though he can fully give himself to her, because just as she never feels her worth, he never feels safe. But there’s a part of him that knows he’s hers all the same. And now, if the worst possible outcome was to happen then he’d lose her forever without having a second chance at a life with her. All because he’d been scared.

Sometimes, he desperately wishes he could give himself over to someone else, completely, that there wasn’t a part of him that belonged to her, would always belong to her. Sometimes, he wishes his brain didn’t freeze up at the prospect of her figuring out there’s someone better for her than him. He wishes he didn’t have these thoughts. If she hated herself, then he always expected people to leave. That’s all people ever did, they left because there was something better to look forward too. And he knows that wasn’t Shehnaaz’s case with Asim, she was just lost. And he understands that. But he’d faced it a while ago that whenever something good happens in his life, he waits for the other shoe to drop.

That wasn’t fair to her. He promised he’d help her forgive herself, that he’d help her love herself again. Shehnaaz was worth every bit of love in these world. And maybe he just sucked at communicating his love for her nowadays. Because she always doubted it.

*Flashback*

“Mm kyaa tu kbhi bhi matlb... kasie bataun Haye smhj nhi aa rhi.” She giggles into his chest, flustered.

“Kya?” He urges, laughing softly as he places a kiss to her head. It’s been a year of dating Shehnaaz and he’s not sure he can ever stop loving her with every bit of his being.

She snuggles closer into him, still grinning and he’s glad that at the very least, here in this perfect little bubble, there’s some semblance of peace. “Tu kbhi be future ke baare me sochta hai?”

His heart definitely skips a beat. “Collage vagera...?”

“Nhi collage ke baad.” She smiles.

He smiles back as she looks up at him, brown eyes so vulnerable. “ Haan. ”

“Sachi?”

“Haan sachi.” He nods. “Tu bhi hoti hai future me obviously."

“Kya dekhta hai?”

“Dekhta hu ki tu k badass investigator banegi or sab teko dekh kr darenge. Phir uske baad main apne aap ko dekhta hun book likhte hue jo koe nhi padega -"

“Tu already best selling author hai mere liye."

“Acha gadhi?” He chuckles. She kisses the skin on his chest, laughing..

AN: Finallyyyy Sid and Arti broke up and what Shehnaaz had been shottt🤯 Aapko kyaa lgta aage kyaa hoga?? Kya voh thik hogi???
Jaane ke liye comments krte rho❤️