your static voice beside mine

Over the past few weeks, Josh and Johnny would talk all the time. They told each other everything. From little things like favorite movies and ice cream flavors to the deepest of their secrets, they were always talking, never running out of things to say. It was like every passing day, their souls were becoming more and more intertwined.

Whether it be through small breaks at Josh's job, or after Johnny's therapy appointments, or even at meals or their free time, they were always laughing and enjoying every second of conversation. Josh's roommates didn't seem to notice or mind, and Johnny would always manage to talk away from his bandmates. It felt more private that way. More special and real.

He didn't tell his therapist about Josh. He was just too afraid that she would make him overthink and mess up yet another relationship. It's not her fault. He just can't seem to get anything right.

This time, Johnny is talking to Josh after collaborating with his bandmates for a couple hours. The easy conversation with him is enough to help him calm down from the emotional state of writing he was in.

Josh is curled into his bed, tucked away in his blue and grey blankets and pillows, listening to the rain drum quietly outside his window. He wished he could feel that sense of security you're supposed to feel when you're tucked away as it rains. But the only time he's felt safe is talking to Johnny. It was strange to acknowledge that, but it remained true nonetheless.

He could try talking to his sisters or his brother, but it wouldn't feel the same. And his roommates were friends, sure. But superficial ones at that. No real connection was there. Josh still remained in touch with some old friends from school and from his old band, but Johnny seemed to be the only thing real that was in his reach. The only thing he could truly hold on to.

But what was really keeping him here in this town? There was nothing. He wanted to move somewhere new and fresh. Somewhere with prospects and opportunities for him. He was thinking about Nashville, but that could be a longshot. Could he really make it there? Could he even be good enough?

He hated the way he doubted himself. Why couldn't he just believe in something for once?

He reaches for his phone, dialing for Johnny. After a few moments, he can hear some slight breathing and sniffling. Is he...crying?

"Hey," Josh says, concerned.

"Oh hey Josh," Johnny replies as he audibly breathes through his nose.

"I tried calling a few times a couple hours ago but you didn't pick up. Are you ok?" Josh genuinely wants to know. He cares about him. But even then, he doesn't want to pry too much, so he doesn't ask about the crying.

"Sorry. My phone must've been off."

They both listen to the quietness of the other. Neither wants to speak first. They don't even know what to say. All they know is that they wanted to have the company of the other.

"Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, you'll never be happy?"

Josh notices the sadness and lost hope in Johnny's voice. He sounds so in pain, like he's lost at sea and can't ever find his way back.

"Yeah. I feel that all the time," Josh tells him.

"How do you not feel that way anymore?"

"I'm still trying to figure that out." The disappointment that Josh feels from this is stronger than he realized. "But there are things and people that can make it go away. Even if it's just for a moment."

"Like who?"

"Like someone who makes you feel at ease and accepting of yourself. Someone who you could talk about anything and everything with. Someone who, once they've stumbled into your life, you never want them to leave."

"Someone like you?"

Josh, although knowing that Johnny took comfort in his advice and conversation, still is surprised that he feels this way. It makes his heart pound.

"And someone like you."

Josh's return of the sentiment makes the tears that Johnny was trying to repress come flooding down his face. His deep brown eyes swell as he fiddles with the ends of his curly brown hair.

He's sitting in his bedroom, curled up on the floor and shaking. It was one of those nights for him. The kind of night that shakes you to your core and fills you with unknown fear. It was like a double edged-sword, with beauty and hatred at either end.

Josh hears Johnny's near-silent anguish and it makes him feel the pain he's tried to ignore. His throat begins to close, but he suppresses the need to cry.

"What does it feel like for you?" Johnny asks, his voice like radio waves; cracked, but still flowing continuously. "How does your brain make you feel?"

Johnny usually always seemed to know exactly what to say, like his sentences were arranged with great care and detail. Tonight though...he seemed like he was in too much pain to even form the words. His energy to fight back was gone. But still, Josh understands exactly what he means.

"Like I'm spinning and spinning and I can't ever stop."

Johnny closes his eyes and tries to breathe, something he always uses to calm down. It doesn't work. "I'm so scared Josh. So scared."

"Hey hey, it's ok. I'm here," Josh says with alarm.

"It's getting worse!" Johnny yells, his voice trembling.

"You're ok, you're ok-"

"I never was." The defeat in Johnny's voice shines through like the moonlight reflecting off his face.

Josh doesn't know what to do. He feels so helpless, like nothing he'll say will help. "Well that doesn't mean you can't be."

Johnny's laugh of disbelief fades as the hum of their phones replace the empty silence.

"What would you do if you were here right now?"

"I'd wrap you in my arms and hug you until you felt better. I'm doing it right now." Josh hugs the air, feeling a bit silly.

But Johnny doesn't laugh. He reaches out his arms to hug him back, but his empty room is a reminder that no one is there. Yet he still imagines his embrace. Warm like June days and fireflies and the sunsets outside his window. The fact that he'll never feel it makes him sink lower to the floor, his arms collapsing and wrapping around his small waist.

"Josh, I know we haven't know each other long, and I know you're probably sick of me but-"

"Shhh. You've been more of a friend to me than people I've known for years."

And it was true. So incredibly true.

So Josh would remind Johnny of it every conversation after this, and the one after that, and the one after that. Because it was the real and grounding and the only thing Josh had to hold onto. And it was the only thing that Johnny had to keep him going.

Gah I love this chapter too it just makes me feel all the feels