Heartstrings

| sixth string |

"Biro lang kasi! Nakakatakot pa rin pala mata mo!" sigaw niya ngunit hinampas ko pa rin siya.

Just like the old times, huh?

Tumigil ako nang itaas niya ang dalawa niyang kamay na parang sumusuko. Tumawa kaming dalawa.

Ang gaan sa pakiramdam. Hindi ko inakala na makakapag-usap kami ulit ng ganito.. na parang wala kaming nakaraan.. na akala mo hindi namin nasaktan 'yong isa't-isa ng sobra.

Suminghap siya at bahagyang piniga ang lata ng beer na hawak niya.

"I was so scared of falling in love again, but it changed and loving felt so easy again when I met her.. the girl who is willing to accept the man who can't be moved, the not so broke but broken guy.. and everything fell into their right places. I have seen your pictures with your big smiles and cheerful eyes.. and thought that my decision was right, because you are really happy. But still, I'm sorry for the words I have said. Pain would only spit out hurtful words, 'no?"

I didn't know that hearing it from him will hurt this much. But I'd gladly take this as a sign for me to finally take a step. Part of moving on. For my sake, for my growth.

And I wanted to be happy for him.. for the guy whom I really treated as my best friend.

Umiling ako. "Nah. Your words.. they made me realize the things I can't even accept. Na.. why I'm stopping those people who are destroying the walls that was guarding my heart, when their only intention is to protect me? To take care of me.. to love me? Why I kept on pushing them away? And that.. words and actions are important to build a connection? Doon kasi ako palaging nagkukulang."

Naramdaman ko ang paglingon niya sa akin ngunit nanatili akong nakatitig sa ngayon ay tahimik na dagat.

"When.. you mentioned my father. When.. I slapped you. It's also the time when I finally accepted him again in my life. Because at the end of the day, he's a family. And the thing about forgiving? It's kinda freeing, parang.. something that's making my heart heavy has been uplifted? Ang gaan sa pakiramdam. Ilang taon ko na rin kasing dinidiligan 'yong sama ng loob ko sa kaniya." I laughed, trying to lighten up the dimmed ambiance that's surrounding us.

"I'm proud of you." ang tangi niyang tugon. Marahil katulad ko, nangangapa pa rin siya.

But I'm trying. We're trying.

Ngumiti ako sa kaniya at pasimpleng pinunasan ang luha. Ilang taon kong hinintay na makapag-usap ulit kami. Gusto kong humingi ng tawad. Gusto kong sabihin sa kaniya na mahal ko rin siya. I can ask him for forgiveness, but telling him that I loved him too? There's no point anymore.

His heart belongs to someone else now. That time when our gazes met and by just looking at his eyes, I just knew it. And he already said it himself.

Dati nga.. I used to imagine our first meet-up after a long time. 'Yong magkakatitigan kami ng sobrang tagal tapos ganoon pa rin siya tumingin sa akin.. with longing and love. But now that I'm having a conversation with him, it's the other way around.

The same person who loved me with different eyes.

Nakakatawa. Natatawa ako sa sarili ko kasi masyado akong nag-delusyon. Umasa kasi ako. Akala ko kasi.. pagkatapos ng limang taon, ako pa rin. Alam mo 'yong pakiramdam na hindi na siya magmamahal ng iba kasi akala mo nasaid na lahat ng pagmamahal niya sa'yo? 'Yong tipong mauubos siya oras na mawala ka? 'Yong tipong madudurog, madadapa at hindi na siya makakaahon o mabubuo kasi wala ka na? Kasi kulang na?

I thought.. he is not capable of giving love or loving someone else again after me because I caused him too much pain.

I guess, he is not different from other broken people.. after a series of heartbreaks, magmamahal pa rin sila, kahit ilang beses nang nadurog. Kahit ilang beses nang tinalikuran.

At ang selfish ko nga siguro.. kasi hiniling ko pa rin na makulong siya sa akin. Na dapat.. katulad ko siyang hindi makawala. Na dapat.. pareho kaming nagba-baka sakali pa rin.

I wanted to say that I'm proud of him too.. that he was able to find a girl who sees his worth. Na hindi ako 'yong end game niya. Because I was far from being his ideal.

"Proud of myself, too." I said, instead.

"It's been five years, huh? But your voice that once calmed the demons inside me didn't change."

He smiled, and I did the same thing.

"I know it was absurd to even ask this. But can I request something anyway?" he asked.

Itinapon niya ang lata ng beer sa malapit na trash bin. Eco-friendly pa rin pala 'to. Tumango ako, pinagmamasdan lamang siya mula sa peripheral vision. Nakita kong ipinagdaop niya ang kaniyang dalawang kamay at hinipan ito.

"Can you sing for my wedding?"

I smiled and reached for my bangs, inikot-ikot ito. Pagkatapos ng ilang segundo ay ibinaling ko ang tingin ko sa kaniya.

Maybe.. this will be my closure, not ours.. because I'm the only one here who can't move on from the past.

"Oo naman." sagot ko.