Him and Me

Chapter 1

I take in a deep breath, excited but nervous looking at the syringe in my hand. Thanks to COVID my testosterone supply stopped last month. I have been taking shots for the past 2 years so it wasn't that bad to have a month break, before my doctor's office finally reopened and I could get my prescription. I mean a spike in dysphoria and depression isn't too bad. But after 6 weeks I finally have it again and I can continue my life as normal.

No matter how long I have been taking shots,  the shot anxiety is still very real. I put the syringe back onto the bathroom counter. I grip the sink as I look into the mirror above the sink. "You can do this Levi. This is our man juice and we can take it. You've done it every week for the past 2 years and you can do it again." I stand tall running my hands through my freshly cut hair. I am still learning what kind of man I am and the long hair from not being able to get a cut from my barber did not help. Yes men can have long hair, but I do not look good with it. 2 months of quarantine and I could really understand how it didn't suit me. It had grown out to it's natural brown and I wasn't mad at it. While I did like coloring it, having it my natural honey brown color was refreshing. I don't know how long I'll keep it, but for now it stays.

I take in a deep breath, I need to focus. I sat on my toilet that was right next to the sink. My bathroom wasn't that big, but considering I lived in a dorm I am happy to just have one. It was an upgrade from my undergrad dorm room, which had a communal bathroom, making it incredibly awkward for me my last year since I started to transition then. Thankfully my first year nothing much changed besides the hair growth on my body, and some acne. After graduation my voice dropped drastically, but I already was on my way out of the country. I said goodbye to Indiana and even America, leaving it and going to England, in order to pursue my new life as Levi and get my graduate degree in Psychology.

I pull up my shorts on my right leg. I grab an alcohol wipe for the 3rd time to wipe the area of my thigh down again. I had to take intramuscular shots meaning it had to go into the muscle. I wanted the one you take in your stomach, but somehow it got lost in translation and I got stuck with intramuscular. I didn't want to tell the doctor during our 3 month appointment after starting T since I didn't want her to feel bad for making me do the wrong one. So I just continued the thigh shot because my anxiety wouldn't let me say anything.

It wasn't all bad if you choose the right spot it barely hurt. My perfect spot was in the center of the thigh, 4 inches from where my hip met my thigh. If you go near the knee it hurts, and if I went too far right I tended to bleed more for some reason. I clean my usual area on the right leg off (yes you should switch legs I try to be sometimes I forget), and picked up the syringe again. Pushing out the air I wipe off the tip of the needle for good luck I guess. I place the needle at the spot, lifting it to as close to 90 degrees as possible, before taking a deep breathe in. The key to this is not to hesitate. I did my first time and jumped with the needle went in all the sudden. I had to re-stick myself because I took the needle out when I jumped. I breathed out as I push the needle in my thigh. Once it was in I injected my man juice, smoothly pulling out the needle. I knew I hit the sweet spot since I felt barely anything and there wasn't much blood.

Grabbing a band-aid I put it over the injection site. I quickly went to clean up my mess. I threw away the band-aid left overs, alcohol wipe, and the lid that went over the needle since it was made of plastic. Everything else went into a special bin, I had to keep all of my bio-hazard trash in. This included the needles I use, anything that had my blood on it and sometimes the bottle. I promised I would do something cute with them like make earrings out of them, but I am not very crafty so I throw them away most of the time. I usually keep the ones that mark a big event, like my first shot, six months and so on. The bottles stay in a baggy at the bottom of a drawer until I think of something to do with them.