TRIGGER WARNING
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Tick Tock I'm watching the clock,
Another minute down,
Another pen gone,
Love letters of goodbye to people who don't know.
My last poem
My last breath
My last thought on paper.
I've thought about it a million times.
At my own hands, or yours?
Naturally I'll float away.
I'll disassociate for the last time.
Look my puppy in his eyes, and tell him he's a good boy. One last day with my family and I'd hug them goodnight.
I'll pick the outfit that best describes me and I'll leave money to get them washed after the stains of blood soak in. I wouldn't expect my mom to scrub them with her bare hands but she will. and she'll cry.
My dad would hate himself and try to make it numb, I've always been so much like him.
I made myself numb so many times.
but it still didn't help.
I'll feel myself fade and I'll be peaceful for the first time...
I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm so very tired.
I've always hated the word goodbye, I say see you later or another time but goodbye always felt official. and I never wanted anyone to leave me.
but I've been left and used and broken and shattered.
I don't think I can pick myself up. My body feels so heavy I don't want to leave my bed.
My tears would probably make my cheeks salty and I'd hate myself for crying. I feel so weak.
I can't get through a sentence without closing my eyes so tight and contamplating a decision to come.
I'm not sure how many times I wrote everything out.
I don't know how many versions I've made.
I've told people I love them and it's not their fault and each time I write it I have new experiences to share and I wonder what else I'll miss.
I wonder if everything goes dark and I feel nothing.
I wonder if I'd come back.
I wonder if I'd overlook and see all the pain I caused. is it worth it?
I tell my mother I'm going to kill myself and she says "no, no you're not"
I wonder if I will, because I can't follow through on anything..unless I'm in my dreams.
I also think about everyone I've known in life, who Ieft me, I wonder why I wasn't good enough.
Why I never seem to be
I wish I could cut people off without wondering how they feel, that's the only reason I'm still here.
I wish.
If i ever go through with it,
I'll sit beside a ticking clock
so I can see to the very last minute.
I'd want it to go slow so I have time to spend on every person that made a difference.
I need time for the good and the bad.
The smiles and laughs
The tears untill I'm numb... One last time.
It would be a romanticize suicide.
