Counterfeit Love

[2]

After our time on the beach our group parted ways, everyone going back to their own families and their own realities. I, however, wasn't ready to go back to my forsaken home yet. I stayed on the beach with the cold leather covered note book in hand as I stared out onto the darkened waves. There was something so calm about the water that made it scary, something that drew you in even though every sense in your body told you to stay away from it. The calming scent of the saltiness engulfed my senses as I laid back into the soft sand. 

I closed my eyes and let my mind ease itself while I listened to the soothing sound of the waves crashing. I felt as if I could stay in this place forever, even if I was alone.

"Got room for one more?" I heard a deep raspy voice ask from behind me.

I opened my eyes to see Jax, standing over me with a smile.

"Always." I said with a soft smile.

Jax laid down beside me and threw one arm behind his head for support. The smell of his cologne invaded my senses and took them over. If you asked me what he smelt like, I couldn't really tell you all that well. He just had this thing about him that made you feel safe, wanted, welcomed. When I was with Jax I knew I was safe, safe from myself, safe from judgement, safe from everything.

"Didn't wanna go back to paradise yet?" He questioned.

"Paradise?" I chuckled.

"It's far from that."

"Yeah? how so?" He asked as he turned his head and faced me.

"It's just- it's complicated." I explained.

I looked over to face Jax, our eyes connecting with each others. His deep blue eyes resembled those of sapphires. They were a beautiful blue that captivated you when you saw them, the amount of secrets and pain he held though, you could see it all in his eyes.

"I can do complicated, come on tell me about it." He said with a warm tone in his voice.

At that moment it was as if I was lost for words. All this time I had been wanting someone to ask me about what goes on at home, but once he did I just couldn't find the right words to say. Jax is my best friend and he has been for a long time. I never told him about the secrets my home life holds, I never told any of them. I trust them, of course. 

I guess I'm just afraid of being treated differently. This is the one place where I'm allowed to be who I am, I don't want pity or sympathy, or to be seen in a different light. I hate that I think that's what would happen but I just can't help it. Even the mere thought of what we have changing frightens me in ways I can't explain.

"Well...it's just- I can't really explain it." I sighed, feeling defeated.

"Hey, it's okay. I'll always listen to you if you ever need to talk." He said with a kind smile.

"Thanks, Jax."

He nodded slightly as he scooted over closer to me. The two of us gazed up at the stars and sat in comfortable silence, the sound of the waves and our heart beats were sound enough.

This isn't the first time Jax and I have laid out like this, we do it quite often actually.

I felt guilt knotting in my gut as the thoughts of what goes on back home infiltrated my serene state. I should have told Jax everything but that's a lot to throw on one person all at once, and now isn't the time. I think the both of us have things we aren't sharing with the other and not because we don't trust each other. It's just because we can't find the right words to say when it comes down to letting someone else know what goes on. Letting someone in is hard, but telling them about all your imperfections, all your family's imperfections, is a new level of trust. 

Allowing someone to swim that deep into your life, and letting them explore it and develop their own view on it is unknown territory for me. People don't ask me anything, I stay quiet and we move on with our lives. Maybe one of these days I'll actually have the courage to tell Jax everything.

"Why don't we ride home together? It's getting pretty late." Jax suggested.

I inhaled deeply and sighed as I flashed him a smile.

"Sure, sounds good."

The two of us hopped up from our places in the sand and waltzed to my car. We got in and almost instantly turned on the radio to Jax's favorite station. The entire way to his house the energy was high. We were laughing, singing, dancing, having a blast all the way there. As I pulled up to the small vintage looking house Jax smiled at me and patted my shoulder.

"See you around K.c." He said as he got out of the car.

"See you around, dork." I laughed as I watched him walk into the house.

Once I made sure he had gotten into the house okay I made my way back home, with the radio off. The silence in the car made the drive almost unbearable, I already missed Jax and the sound of his laughs intertwined with mine. I missed Kat and C.j., and Susan acting all flustered when we pointed out the obvious tension between them. It had only been a little bit since we departed, but not being around them just made the deafening silence louder.

I pulled into the large driveway and viewed the white, pristine house in front of me. The car cut off as I grasped the cold keys in my hand and made my way through the large oak doors.

I walked into the silent house and went up to Cassidy's room. I knocked lightly on the slightly opened door and saw her smile sweetly at me, urging me to come in.

"Hey, where ya been?" She asked curiously as I sat on the soft bed.

"At the beach with my friends, how have they been?" I asked.

"Quiet, it's been okay."

A moment of silence passed between us until Cassidy put her hand on mine and looked at me with hurt eyes.

"I know you don't like being here, I don't either. It's just for a little while longer and then both of us can live the lives we want." She said, trying to sound comforting.

"No we can't, no matter where we go we'll always have a label on us. People will still talk about us around here, that isn't going anywhere." I said, almost snapping with my words.

"Katie, It's going to get better. You say you don't care what people think, well if that's true then stop letting it control you. Live your life, one day you'll miss the days you had as a teenager."

I thought for a moment about what she was saying, her green eyes gleaming in the dim light of her room. I love my sister, I truly do, but she doesn't understand what it feels like to be the disgrace of the family.

"Why are you suddenly acting like you understand me?" I questioned.

"We don't have all the time in the world, Kate. You never know when someone you love can just up and go. I want you to know that I love you, and I know more than you think." She said with sincerity in her voice.

"I love you too." I simply said before getting up and leaving her room.

Tears filled my eyes as I slid down my bedroom door, I didn't want Cassidy to see me crying. Maybe we are more alike than I think, she's always been there for me and I need her now the most.