Dysfunctional

S1 E11

Confessional - Helena

"We have a costume party coming up - our family throws one every year - and we still haven't decided on what the family theme is going to be. At least, I don't believe we have. Anyways, I think I have it figured out. I just need to get the whole family on board."

*Cue intro video*

*The scene cuts to the living room where Selina, Bruce, and Damian are. They are sitting in silence, cups of tea in their hands as they watch the news. Helena enters the room with a laptop, a smile on her face.*

"I have figured out the solution to our dilemma."

"I didn't realize we had a dilemma."

"Its our family, we always have a dilemma."

"Fair enough. Carry on."

*Helena sits down on the foot stool in front of her family, turning the laptop around to face her brother and parents. On the screen is a page full of costumes.*

"What is this, Hel?"

"This is the solution to what we are doing for our costume party!"

"I thought we were going as the X-Men?"

"This is much better, I promise. We are going as - wait for it - the Bat Family!"

*Damian, Bruce, and Selina stare blankly at Helena. She sighs.*

"Okay. So dad would be the patriarch, Batman,  a tough on crime vigilante. Mom would be the matriarch,  Catwoman - Batwoman is too obvious and seems like they would be related - a former foe of Batman turned allie and partner. I will go as Huntress, the ruthless first born. Cassandra can be Batgirl or Black Bat, which ever she prefers. Dick can go as Nightwing, dad's first sidekick that moved on. Jason can be Red Hood, dad's second sidekick turned antihero.  Tim can be Red Robin, dad's third sidekick. Duke can be the Signal, dad's current protégé - we all know he is your favorite, don't give me that look Damian. Damian can be Robin, dad's current sidekick, and Terry...he can be Batman from the future."

"How come Terry gets to be Batman?"

"Because he would look adorable in a tiny Batsuit?"

"I still don't think I am sidekick material. I believe I am partners with father, his equal."

"Sure, Damian."

*The scene shifts to later in the day, Helena's laptop is sitting open on the table in the living room to the Robin costume. Tim walks in. He looks at the computer and grins.*

Confessional - Tim

"I know what I am going as for our family costume party. It is brilliant.  I'll have to thank Helena."

*The computer still sits open on the table in the living room and this time Jason walks in, eating a banana. He looks down at the computer with a furrowed brow.*

"Huh. Its a bit juvenile but I can make it work."

*He exits the room, munching on his banana. A minute passes before Dick walks in and glances at the laptop, doing a double take. He gasps.*

"My gosh, its beautiful. Needs a little work but I can manage."

*Dick leaves the room with a skip in his step.*

*The scene shifts to Helena in Cassandra's room, music playing  at an inaudible level in the background. They are sitting on Cassandra's bed, looking at Cassandra's phone.*

"I don't know, Helena. This costume..."

"Its perfect for you."

*Helena's phone buzzes. She looks down and smiles, showing Cass.*

"See? All the boys like their costume ideas. They think they can work with them."

"...okay. I will be Batgirl."

"That's the spirit! Now, what is Stephanie going to be?"

"I texted her...she said it was going to be a surprise and she didn't want to spoil it on me."

"Damn. Karen is going as Power Girl, an alien from another planet that is like insanely powerful."

"Sounds like Karen."

"Doesn't it?"

"Is everyone doing the superhero theme?"

"That is the party theme, yes."

"I wonder what everyone else who is invited is going to come as."

"We will have to wait and find out. The party is in two weeks, I'm having the costumes rushed through production."

"Smart move."

*The scene cuts to the backyard where the family is gathered watching Dick chase Terry around. Terry is laughing hysterically and everyone has smiles on their faces. Cassandra is texting on her phone, sitting against the base of a tree with Duke and Tim next to her, both of them also on their phones. Damian is sitting in the tree above them. Jason is talking with Helena, who has a look of amused mischief on her face. Bruce and Selina are filming their two children run around.*

"Mommy! Daddy! Save me! Dickie is gonna get me!"

*Bruce stops recording and slides his phone into his pocket. He jogs into the fray, jumping into a play fight with Dick while Terry runs over to Selina, laughing the whole time.*

"Yay! Thank you, daddy! I'm safe now."

*Selina kisses Terry's hair and he makes a face.*

"Mommy!"

"Yes?"

"You are ruining my street cred."

"Where did you learn to talk like that?"

"Jason."

"Should've known."

"He teaches me lots of new words."

*Selina looks to Jason with a mixed look on her face.*

"Does he now?"

"Mhm."

"What is Terry saying bout me?"

"How educational you are."

"He also taught me how to enucalate someone."

"Jason al Ghul - Wayne!"

"What? It is a useful skill to have!"

"You don't teach a child that kind of thing!"

"My mother taught me when I was his age!"

"That doesn't make it okay!"

"I'm going to need to have a talk with Talia."

Confessional  - Duke

"I'm so glad I'm not blood related to any of these weirdos. I mean, Cass and Helena are alright. But everyone else...yikes."

"Tell me about it."

"Dick, what the hell. These things are supposed to be private."

"Duke, you know our family. Nothing stays private for long."

"Oh? If that's the case, then who did J-"

"Bye!"

"That's what I thought."