Unrequited Love

No. 2

July 2020

I am not okay, I don’t feel loved. He is too much an alpha male and is affecting our relationship. I really thought that I would be able to talk to him this time but again I changed my mind. Same reason, I’m scared… Last time I spoke to him about leaving me for 5, 6 hours alone in his room, I even told him I would prefer if he took me home if he knew that would be the case. I even told him not to fetch me if he knew that he’d be busy watching soccer or just too busy. I’d rather be home than alone in his room all day. He left me alone in his room again last weekend and I am not about to repeat myself. I understand that he might be depressed still but I would love for his attitude to change. I don’t like what he did last weekend when we were at the mall. I wanted to hold his hand because I was so uncomfortable but he said no even removed my hand from his. I didn’t like that but it’s cool. I understand that he is in the recovering process but I feel like he is not living his life I feel like he is just waiting to fully recover then he can start taking care of himself, his room and start loving me. I feel like he has made his mind about me that maybe I will leave him one day and he has prepared himself for that. I don’t know what might cause him to think that but I think he has left a much wider space for disappointments. I feel like he just doesn’t care about me sometimes, atleast he doesn’t appear to. When I’m sick he never asks me how I feel but he does say sorry. He refuses to help me with any chore just cause he knows he won’t do it if he doesn’t want to but sometimes it’s not about the chore or even me being lazy or tired, it’s just him helping me like he does with breakfast. I sometimes feel like he kinda treats me like he loves me’ not really because he wants me to see that he doesn’t think I’m too pretty like all these other men do so he’ll try and treat me differently and maybe he thinks that will make me want him more?... I don’t know. This was the second time I stopped talking to him, I just gave up early coz he laughed at me for doing it after he saw me ignoring his message, that hurt me a lot. Every time he does something I don’t like I can get mad but I quickly have to be okay because he’s not the type to pick up on it and apologise or ask you what is wrong and mean it or even try to mend it. I have to always take the first step and talk to him. I have to get over whatever it is that I didn’t like because 1 I won’t be able to talk to him about coz I’m kinda scared to bring up shit that will end up being petty to him and leave him thinking I got issues with him. I’ve never been the type to bottle up feelings but I’m learning to do that now. I always tell myself to let it go no matter how sad or pissed I am coz he won’t care he’s too strong. For the last time biss learn to let shit go, even if you wanna cry hide that shit maybe one day I’ll open up and talk to him about it. I know now that what ever he is, he is not faking I know that it’s who he is so that’s why it is me who has to make changes and let shit go. It’s hard but I’ll always remind myself to let shit go. He’s the type that recovers fast, faster than me even. If I were to break up with him now, he might ask “why” but his final answer will be “okay” and that will be it futhi I wouldn’t hear from him again that is just who he is. Yesterday I asked myself if I could be with him forever if he didn’t change and my answer was, No. But how could I get to a decision to leave when I can’t tell him why I’m not okay when I’m not okay with him. Plus I love him these are all just minor things I don’t wanna bring to him and cause unnecessary drama. The problem is, I’m the type that wants attention from their bae I want my bae to be concerned about me if I’m not okay, even if I’m okay I want attention every woman does. So he is the opposite of that, he doesn’t give attention whether you sick/ not sick he just isn’t the soft type that’s sensitive and receptive, no matter what. I’m starting to be needy and hungry for attention such that I’ve started going out just to meet new guys to talk to coz guys out there aren’t like him they give you attention they are kinda afraid of you kinda respectful kinda just nice to talk to in general and I don’t have to think before I speak with them. That is wrong but when I’m not okay I just wanna do that meet new people have good conversations and just forget about my issues with him. I am not comparing him these are just facts. Before I used to say maybe he’ll change, he’s just frustrated and snappy coz he’s not okay, he sick but right now I know that that is who he is. I have to learn how to let shit go. I’m short tampered myself so it’s very hard for me to let shit slide but I always have to remember that it’s always better to let shit slide with him. If we argue he won’t give the slightest care he just won’t give a fuck after, he’ll just ignore you until you talk to him. It’s frustrating but I’m letting shit go. I always have to apologise first even when I’m not wrong just to keep the peace coz it only hurts me.  He’s not a bad person and he never starts trouble with me I don’t wanna paint him as a bad person most of the time it’s me who does things without thinking how he would react or how it would vibe with him. Lately I have been asking myself why would God give me somebody like him if he didn’t think that I could handle him. Maybe I’m being dramatic but I don’t think there is one woman out there who can tolerate all of this unless she’s the same as he is. I’m not giving up on him I’ve never been close to even giving up on him even though things aren’t great. I still think that one day we’ll talk about it all and all will be okay. I’m still sad but I’ll be okay… pretending has never been something I’ve ever been good at but I do know how to get past things. I hope we’ll be okay coz we love each other.