On a cold day in March, I was one more day alone, in my little dilapidated apartment in the middle of Seoul. It's been several years that I've spent my days locked up here, looking out my window at all these people filled with joy, laughing, smiling with their friends or their family; they seemed alive, happy. Which I was not.
Indeed, I was diagnosed some time ago with social anxiety disorder, me, a young 25 man. I was afraid, scared to go out and be in contact with society. I was scared of calling in public, scared of being called out, scared of drawing attention... Just the thought of eating something or drinking in front of someone else terrified me. I had no idea why and how this social phobia had come to me. So, I isolated myself. I was so fearful of being a burden on my family ... I didn't see anyone anymore, except those passers-by in the street. Every day I lost a little more hope of "curing" this disease, and the desire to leave this world gained me little by little.
But on that day, I was seized with an uncontrollable ardor, an ardor that I had never faced. I got up suddenly, took something to cover myself and stormed out of my little slum. As I was about to set foot on the asphalt in the street for the first time in years, I stopped, scrutinizing the crowd outside. At that moment, I was asking myself a thousand and one questions: would anyone notice me? Was I going to be called in for some reason? Were they going to make fun of me, not meeting the normality standards ? My limbs began to tremble, my hands became sweaty, my heart suddenly began to beat harder, however, I could not step back at this stage of my mission; it owed me to take my courage in both hands.
It was with considerable effort that I finally managed to get out of the entrance to my apartment. I was then walking among all these people, among this huge crowd. I couldn't stand it, all these unfamiliar bodies sticking to each other, creating an unbearable feeling of suffocation. Unable to bear this mental pressure any longer, I decided to branch off towards a small street, quieter than the previous one, and above all less populated. I huffed loudly to bring down all the tension I had just accumulated. After calming down, I analyzed for a moment where I had just stopped by, by chance.
It was a kind of abandoned park, where nature had regained its rights. I suddenly remembered that in my youth, I dreamed of exploring these kinds of places. This vague thought made me enter this mysterious place. I noted that the benches were covered with leaves, the branches of the trees surrounded the bars of the swing and that the various slides sported a layer of greenish moss. Despite this rather gloomy atmosphere, the rays offered by the sun at that moment allowed to brighten up this place a little, giving it a more magical atmosphere. The more I detailed this place, the more familiar it became to me.
Digging vigorously through my many childhood memories, I remembered this famous park where I often went when I was younger. The freshly painted structures glistened in the sun, sublimated by the neatly arranged flower beds. All the children were laughing and having fun among themselves. Some were on the slides, others on the swings while their parents watched them kindly. However, I don't see why my memory would have retained such a hollow memory as this, surely something had to happen to keep it in my head. Everything was muddled in my mind, so I kept wandering around, looking for some sort of trigger.
After a few minutes of research, I finally come face to face with a seesaw. The latter was covered with ivy dotted with delicate bluish flowers. Through the ivy, you could see the pastel blue wood of the structure adorned with fine gilding on the edge of the board. This object fascinated me as much as it intrigued me. Its beauty transcended me to the depths of my being.
Suddenly everything became clearer, more precise thanks to this simple structure. I remembered the same scene, with one more detail: the children were laughing, having fun among themselves. Some were on the slides, others on the swings while their parents watched them kindly. Further in this park, was this famous seesaw. I was there alone, sitting, looking down. I didn't dare go to the other children to ask them to play with me. Yet all I wanted was that, I wanted to have fun with them, talk to them about everything and nothing like a child my age. Then I waited for long minutes, still alone. By dusk all the other children were gone, and without them the lifeless park had a rather dismal atmosphere. Saddened by this day without progress in sociability, I decided to return to my former home, where we were staying with my parents and me. However, before I had time to get off the seesaw, I felt a slight counterweight at the other end of the board. Startled, I looked up and at the sight of the being in front of me, my eyes widened on their own.
His face stayed clear in my mind: rather short, he sported large, innocent black eyes, his ebony hair danced gracefully in the light evening breeze, and his skin white like a pinch of sugar reflected the dim light emitted by the streetlights. I was stunned by such beauty; only his presence could illuminate the empty place where we were. I felt my cheeks warm a little, embarrassed to have stared at him like that. Noticing my lack of reaction, he struck up a conversation.
" -Can I play with you ?" He asked me in his soft childish voice.
I nodded in response, and he grinned at me with all his teeth showing his gum tissue. This is just a simple detail, but it is enough to make my cheeks take on this rosy color. We then began to counterbalance each in turn to operate the seesaw. I remember our laughter, mixed with the squeaking sound of the board under our weights. We had so much fun ! Suddenly, the boy whose name I did not yet know stopped our activity so that he could talk to me. He suddenly looked me in the eye, a rather serious look on his face.
"You know," he started, "I saw you hesitate to talk to other children... You don't have to be afraid. Never worry about how others look, it will only destroy you. That's what my big brother always says! He admitted to me a little embarrassed.
His words made me feel like a whirring sound in my ribcage. Something, whatever, has to come out.
-And if one day someone dares to tell you that something has to change in you, just tell them one thing: so what ? If you can't, let me do it for you ... "
And what had to happen happened. My ribcage explodes internally letting thousands of butterflies escape and I feel overwhelmed with an immense sensation of well-being. I stand up abruptly, stand in front of my new friend and hug him tightly. Our embrace is filled with love, with pure love, with fusional love. Nothing can separate us at this very moment. He was the person I needed in my life. After this sweet evening we continued to see each other every day, we were so happy to meet up to talk, cuddle and play on this seesaw.
"But you had to go ..." I whispered in a low voice.
I was seized with an immeasurable nostalgia. I loved the moments spent in his company so much, I loved our endless discussions so much. And especially...
-I loved you ... Why did we have to separate? Why did you have to get so sick ...?"
My words were shaking in a sob, and quickly tears came to me. These salty pearls now flowed like a torrent down my cheeks. I wished I could do anything for him. But above all, I felt guilty for being indignant at the eyes of others. I guess it was because of his disappearance that my social phobia worsened, to the point that I no longer wanted to attach myself to anyone, fearing of losing these loved ones.
"-I promise to take charge of myself. I will never let myself be beaten like this again, I will become the man I've always wanted to be, like it or not. I swear to you! "
Even though his death moved me enormously, I had to move on in life. I know he is watching over me, and it is thanks to his meeting that I was able to overcome this disorder.
THE END
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Sugary Seesaw (English ver.)
General Fiction"I loved you... Why did you have to get so sick...?
