Chapter Nineteen:
"What do you mean you only had two girlfriends before?" Evgeni's socks were officially knocked off.
Sidney cleared his throat civilly, trying his best to keep from blushing out of embarrassment. "G, I've only ever really dated two girls before."
Geno and Sid sat in a back booth of some fairly-deserted San Jose diner. The Penguins western road trip was in full-swing; only five days remained. Geno had five days to train Sid how to act around girls/how to handle a relationship, and three minutes into their first session, he could already tell everything was going to crash and burn.
To be fairly honest, Evgeni wasn't shocked to hear that his captain only ever went out with two girls. Frankly, despite being one of the richest bachelors on the market, Sidney wasn't a great catch, or at least G didn't think so. Sid was always so serious, and mature, so no matter what, you could never really have fun with him.
Aesthetics-wise, Sid's lips were so puffy, it looked like he was either experiencing anaphylaxis, or pouting. And Evgeni couldn't quite sort out which was worse.
Also, Sid had such a large ass, you'd have to make all sorts of ungodly accommodations. Like the fact that your bed with him couldn't be anything smaller than king-sized, mainly because that's the only one he'd fit onto, comfortably. In addition, you'd have to deal with the fact that he couldn't just go out and buy pants at the store; he had to have them custom made. What a fucking ordeal that'd be.
"Have you even ever fucked?" Geno asked bluntly, half-afraid to hear the answer.
Sidney's attempt to keep from blushing failed miserably, leaving him high-and-dry. Like a complete idiot, he sat there, red, hot, and blotchy.
"Of course I have." Sid told his teammate, trying his best to sound convincing. In all seriousness, he was telling the truth, but his suspiciously-rosy cheeks weren't giving him any support, whatsoever.
"With someone else? Not just jerking off?"
Sidney felt violated on several levels. Unable to even open his mouth, he simply nodded.
Geno's eye grew wide, like he couldn't believe his giant-arsed teammate could find someone desperate enough to do the dance with no pants with him.
"With someone of different gender?"
In broken English, Evgeni had more-or-less asked Sidney if he was secretly gay. Needless to say, Sid was lost for words.
"I'm straight!" He hissed across the table to his teammate, who now has a shit-eating smirk spread across his dumb Russian face.
Geno rolled his eyes, but continued to beam smugly. He was so proud of himself; he'd officially pissed off Sidney Crosby.
Without giving his douchebag teammate a second opportunity to make some sort of homosexual suggestion, Sidney blurted out, "Now, are you going to help me or not?"
Geno pressed his back into the leather booth seat. Admittedly, he was being a tool. He had promised to be Sid's 'love doctor'.
Letting out a long, heavy sigh, the Russian nodded, pushing himself forward again. "You right. I wrong. What want to know?"
As rude as it sounded, it never quite failed to perplex Sidney how, after so many years in North America, G still sounded like he was straight off the plane from Russia. It didn't make sense that he couldn't pick up on English, and maybe lose some of the accent. But then again, if you ever saw the other things Geno did, you'd understand that nothing he did ever really made much sense.
"Whatever you have to teach me." Sid answered vaguely, sort of clueless as to what kind of answer his love doctor wanted. There wasn't really an area with love that Sidney was particularly bad at that needed to be pinpointed; honestly, he was just overall suckish at romance.
Geno scoffed. "So much to teach, so little time. I need recruit people."
Sid blinked. He needed to recruit people? "Like who?"
"Married guys. I no good at love either." Evgeni answered gruffly, even though Sidney knew that was just about the biggest load of BS he had heard all week. (And he had been in the gym the day before with Sunshine, who had proclaimed he could benchpress 450. Yeah, sure. Beau couldn't go a shift without getting injured; it was virtually impossible for him to be able to bench something like that.)
"Geno, I'm sure you know enough about love." Sidney practically pleaded. He wanted to avoid bringing even more guys into this at all possible costs; one was bad enough. (Especially if Geno brought in Flower. Flower was such a blabber mouth, if he knew about Sidney's love dilemma, he'd never let him live it down. Would probably have flyers printed and handed-out to the entire team, front office, and media. Maybe even fans.)
G shrugged. "Girls like sex and booty grabs. And wine. Lots and lots of wine."
Booty grabs? Wine? That kind of stuff didn't seem like stuff that'd fly with Tori. Like, at all.
"Anything else?" Sidney asked, hint of hopefulness in his voice.
Geno's eyes twinkled, which gave Sidney good thoughts. Maybe now, Evgeni would say something at least mildly useful.
"Girls love boxers. No briefs. Boxers easy to get off during sex, you feel?"
For some reason, 'you feel' felt like just about the most inappropriate phrase that could've been used.
Clenching his jaw, struggling to keep himself composed, Sid asked, "Any other advice?"
Geno kind of half-shrugged, again. "Keep condoms on you, all times. But not actually on you, of course."
Sidney was far-beyond done. Evgeni was no help, in any way, shape, or form. (And apparently sex-crazed as well.)
To Sid, this seemed to be a fucking joke.
