The Perfect Partner

16

"I was thinking that if you still wanted to go then we should, but I also think we should try to at least figure something out before then. Us giving each other the cold shoulder isn't gonna work when we're not only sharing a bed, but we're also gonna be around Jay. It's not fair of us to ruin her experience because of a lovers spat." The urge to reach out and stroke her cheek when I saw how distraught she was rose up in me something fierce. It was a good thing she wasn't actually here, because my hand twitched in anticipation of something it wasn't going to get.

"What do you want to figure out? Are you still taking the same stance as you were before?"

"No. I understand how I hurt you even though it was never my intention."

"Then I forgive you." She looked shocked to say the least. "I've missed you, and-"

"I'm gonna stop you there." I didn't like the way she bit her lip and tucked her hair behind her ear, she only did that when she was nervous, or didn't want to say something. "Chris... I've missed you too, I've missed you a lot, and I miss my home which I consider to be with you now. It doesn't help that this place is one mold spot short of being a complete shit hole, but that's not my point. My point is, I think we took it too fast. I think we went from nothing to everything and it pushed me especially over the edge. One minute our relationship was undecided and the next it was like a year of relationship stuff got crammed into three weeks. It was too much."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying... I think we should maybe not go right back into a relationship. If that means you aren't comfortable with me moving back in then that's fine, but I want us to take it slow this time. I want to go out on more than two proper dates before we fuck and I move into you room. I want to be able to fall in love with you properly even though I'm ninety percent sure I'm nearly there already. I know it's hard for anything to be normal when you throw a child into the mix, but I want something normal. Does that make any sense?" It actually made a lot of sense. It's not really what I wanted to hear since every waking moment I'm away from her I long to hold her in my arms again, but I do, in fact, understand.

"I see your point, yes. And I'm legitimately worried for your health and safety if you stay in that place any longer, so all animosity aside I'd be okay with you moving back in."

"Really?" I nodded, not sure if I would be able to say anything without showing her that I was breaking on the inside. "Thank you so much! I'll have to stay here for a little longer just to fulfill some requirements, but that should only take a little over a month."

"Sounds great." Shiiit, my voice broke. Cue the tears. I gotta get off this call. "I'm pretty tired, I'm gonna go to bed. Night toots."

"Oh, okay, night boss. I'm glad we came to an understanding." I didn't respond before shutting the laptop and quickly (but carefully) climbing out of the bed.

Once I was in the bathroom I let the tears fall and the sobs I'd been holding in escape. I knew what we were doing was right, but damn it hurt. The rational side of me knew I should be ecstatic that she'd said she was pretty sure she was in love with me, after all, that's what all this started over anyhow. Why then did it feel like I'd lost her? Was I worried I wouldn't be able to woo her if we were throwing ourselves into a practical scenario? What if it was the unordinary make up of our relationship that had made it work? 

I'd always been an emotional guy, never holding back how I felt. It was always important to me that the people I got involved with gave just as much of them as I poured out of myself, and to an extent I felt that Kitty had done that. But for her to say she wants to backtrack? How does one even do that? How am I supposed to go on a date with her and pretend I don't know everything about her? Pretend that I don't know her favorite color is burnt orange because she likes the way it looks on cars and in the sky as the sun sets, or how her favorite type of scenery is a forest because she likes to look at the way the light filters through the leaves. I'm just supposed to ignore the fact that I know she's amazing at cooking a total of five things, but bombs when trying to cook anything else? Or that she had dimples on her back just above her butt?

Even worse than all those things I must pretend I've never felt her. Never felt her skin slide against mine, never grazed my hands over every possible surface they could reach. I'm not supposed to let on that I know she's uncomfortable with the stretch marks that litter her toned body, but I think it's a beautiful painting of her story. Is it even possible for me to pretend I haven't seen her scars? The scars that mark up the smooth surface of her stomach, thighs, and arms, not from self harm but from other's cruelty. 

How am I supposed to pretend I don't know this woman inside and out? How am I supposed to pretend that I'm no truly, irrevocably in love with the dancer from Kentucky with the so-so past and a daughter?