My Life, My Thoughts

Explanation + more

Hey! Thank you for clicking on this chapter! I appreciate the support you've been giving me during one of the hardest years of my life.

I will be telling a little bit about myself from here on out, if you are here for the update about Beneath the Surface you can scroll until you see ~ from there on out I will be talking about things Wattpad related.

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I don't know whether I should start at the beginning, or just tell you about the past 2 months, so I decided to give you the short story.

I'm the youngest out of the 5 children my parents had. My parents are mentally disabled so my siblings had already been placed out of our parents home. I was placed out of home at the age of 2, I have had around 11 foster families and 1 'orphanage' (don't really know how to call it) between the age of to and 9.

At 9 I was placed in a foster family who cared a lot about me, but at that time I had already lost faith in the people around me, so when I turned 16 and I got the opportunity to live in a house with other teenagers around my age, I took it.

I was 17 when I saved someone who tried to commit suicide in that house
At 18 I got my own house, I had a job, went to school and had to do an internship for school. I worked 7 days a week from open until closing time. A year later a "good" friend of mine asked me if I wanted to move in with her, it seemed like a good idea but things happened and I moved out of her house not even a year later.

At this point I had no home, debts, an addiction for weed, depression and I was burned out.

I asked my biological mom if I could move in with her for a while and she agreed. (Fucking love my mom she is the best even if she isn't on the same level as others she is sooo kind and loving)

At 20 I was living with a mom who was more like my child than mother. My contract at my job wasn't renewed and started a job which I HATED! To make things worse I fell in love with my first love. It was a mess that's all I will say right now xD

My best friend moved in with my mom and me, she was kicked out by her roommate and needed a place to live. (See my mom is kind, she took not only me but my best friend in!)

At 21 I got my new place and took my best friend with me. At 22 I signed myself up for rehab, my first clinic was a mess so I entered another rehab. (At this point I had already turned 23)

The 2nd rehab was way better than the first one, but 10 weeks can only do so much. Once I got out I was on the right path for another 10 weeks, started volunteer work at the animal shelter and woke up on time.

Around March or April of 2019, we got the sad news about my mother's lung cancer, from this point on I put my own life on hold and did everything I could do for her. I went to every appointment, volunteered twice a week and had my own appointments to attend (like going to my psychologist.) This is how I got my second burn out

Her first chemo ended at the end of the summer. That's when I started to write Breaking Barriers. In November I had my 3rd burnout, so I took a step back from volunteering, I went either once a week or not.

Skip to January of this year, this was the moment we got told my mom would likely not see the end of 2020. I started my volunteer work back up and promised the people around me to cancel them if I was either too tired or wasn't feeling well.

I hadn't noticed my depression getting worse over the past few months. I would talk less to the people around me, couldn't find the right words to express everything going on in my head.

Just to be clear, I have never harmed myself fiscally, but it came to a point where I stood in the bathroom trying to get a razor blade out of the razor to see if it would get rid of the voice in my mind. I didn't go through with it, but I also didn't tell anyone what I had almost done that was until it got too much.

A week later I finally decided to tell someone, I then told it to my best friend, my foster mom and psychologist. She offered me to go back on antidepressants, so skip 2 months and I was finally put on medication.

Now for the people who don't know anything about this type of medication, well it can have a lot of side effects. You also slowly build up the medication so you'll start with a low dosage.

I think I had almost every side effect you could get from this type. My sleep got worse, but so did my mind. My suicide thoughts got worse and worse, they started to pop up on random moments during the day instead of only being there when I was going to sleep.

I've gotten some sleeping pills last week, the pills seem like they're starting to work and the thoughts seem the have gotten less and less over the last week.

I also got my phone back! It only took 2 months, a lost phone and them sending a brand new one, but I got it!

(Yeah this was the short version xD)

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If you've read the text above, you know I have been writing Beneath the Surface during the time my mind wasn't in the right place. I've talked to my best friend about this before deciding its faith, but even she said I hadn't been as positive about it as I had been about BB. I am not connecting with this story, every chapter makes me feel worse about the story itself.

I am sorry if this disappoints you, but I rather write a good story then a forced one. You the reader deserves the best out of the writer, and I want to give you the best I got and Beneath the Surface just isn't it.

Now on to the good news! The new book! I will be taking my time writing this one, it's going to be something I always wanted to write. I'm not going to give anything away until I'm 100% sure I'll be continuing this story. I want to take some of the pressure I put on myself away and will be writing a few chapters before publishing anything.

Also are you interested in a face reveal once BB hits 100K reads? If not I'll just keep my face a secret 🙃

Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or if you have anything you want to get off your chest!

Stay awesome!

Lots of love,
♡
Cynthia
Now you know my real name ;)