I guess when it's all over it just comes back in rapid flashbacks. What happened was like a kaleidoscope of memories, and it always came back – but he never did. I think a part of me always knew that this would happen the second that I saw him. It wasn't really anything that he said, or anything he did at the time, but it was just the feelings that came along with him. The feelings of confusion mixed with love and excitement, but also with a mixture of fear – the fear of getting hurt. The crazy thing was that I didn't even think that I would ever feel that way again . . . but I didn't know if I should. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright for me to even survive in, but I just thought that it just wasn't possible for the devil to be pulling me towards someone who looks so much like an Angel. Maybe he thought that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my mind along with him.
"Do you know why you're here?" I heard the doctor ask me and I snapped back to reality. The harsh reality. I looked around at the four familiar walls of the room. I could recognize this ugly blue-red colored paint anywhere, because for the past four weeks it's been driving me crazy. The doctor cleared his throat and I looked back at him. He wore rectangular glasses and a white coat, and his grey hair made a dome shape on the top of his head – leaving only a few hairs behind around his ears. He folded his hands onto his lap, sat back in his leather seat and looked at me with that type of 'I know what you're going through' expression on his face, something that they called empathy. Something that I called bullshit.
"Because I'm crazy?" I half said half asked at the same time and he scratched his nose. Crazy wasn't the word to describe me or what I saw or think that I saw . . . insane was the word. Yeah, insane was it. I didn't know what was real and what wasn't anymore. My mind told me that what I saw and heard was real, but my doctors and my therapists and even my family told me that it was all in my mind. That I was the crazy one.
"No, you're here because you almost killed your baby and you keep on making up stories about the world going to end. You're unstable and dangerous, but that's why I'm here. I'm going to help you get through this. Together, we will get through this." The doctor said and I looked down at my small baby bump. I've been pregnant for a very long time but for a minute there I almost forgot that I was. I felt my eyes tearing up and I looked up at the doctor, who smiled at me, a smile I did not return. I wanted anything but this baby.
"Tina always said that motherhood is supposed to be a dream, but for me it's a nightmare. Not only am I swollen and fat and ugly, but it's this thing that's inside me. This thing that you call a baby. Well, that's the thing that's going to end the world you know and live in." I said. My voice filled with hatred, and he leaned forward in his chair and scribbled something down onto his piece of yellow paper.
"When you refer to the end of the world, do you mean that this child is going to end your world? Do you think that having this child will end your world because you will then be bound by the chains of motherhood?" The doctor asked me and I frowned and shook my head. I had no problem with being a mother. It was being a mother to a monster that I had a problem with. But that's why I had a plan for whenever I was going to have this thing. I was going to kill it, before it could kill humanity.
"Are you trying to imply that I don't want to take responsibility for this thing? I didn't ask for it, but the Lord put it on my path and I will handle it. I don't know what you're trying to do here doctor, but manipulating me into feeling even worse about myself isn't making this situation any better." I snapped and he let out a loud sigh. I looked back at the ugly walls and crossed my arms, infuriated with the doctor once again.
"I'm sure you'd make a wonderful mother, don't get me wrong. Let's move on to something else such as um, Tina. Tell me more about her." The doctor pried and I took a deep breath. Talking about her has always been a hard thing to do for me ever since her death, but I knew by now that if I tried to say no the doctor would somehow find a way into getting me to talk about it all. He was very manipulative, but so were the three before him.
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Nephilims Journey
الخيال (فانتازيا)"Don't you die on us, Christina. Don't you dare die on us!" William cried and he shook me. I felt my body relax and I slipped further into the floating motion. I looked into those eyes, those beautiful eyes." With her father dead, Christina has met...
