Her Name is Memory

12| empty void

"Knowing David, this might be a bad thing. Go check it out," Angela insisted, gesturing to David. I manage to say a quick goodbye before David managed to dragged me away. Despite being a few inches shorter than me, he has a surprising amount of strength.

"What David?"

"Follow me. I'm trying to rescue you from her," he insisted.

I stopped walking, jerking David a step back.

"Angela was being nice to me," I said, still confused why he's hostile about her.

"We can talk about your crush for you another time. In the mean time, they were looking for people for the Karoke so I said that you would be next."

I swore my heart stopped beating for a moment.

"What?"

I could've thrown up right there.

"It will be fun," David insisted, pulling me into the living room. At the sight of me, people began to cheer. One person clumsily dropped down to select a song.

"I can tell you it won't be. I don't know if I'm ready."

David let go and corralled me towards the karaoke. He took a mic and handed it to me. 

"Relax," he said softly, smiling before I heard loud cheering.

"Come on. Nate! Nate!" Trent appeared out of nowhere, his eyes bloodshot and with the biggest smile I have seen on his face. I couldn't tell if he was high, drunk, or both but his loud demeanor made other people start cheering my name.

I gripped the mic tightly, ignoring the bile that was coming onto my throat. I put my beer down on a random table, scared to spill on the floor with my trembling hands. I looked at the random strangers, staring at me like I was suppose to do something entertaining for them. I didn't know how I did this before.

"Okay," I whispered into the mic.

"I'm going to put Don't Stop Believin'. Know the song?" the random stranger manning the karaoke machine asked me. I nodded silently, watching him set up the song. He took a step back. When the video started to play, people began to cheer.

My eyes focused on the familiar piano tune, trying to focus on my cue and not on the fact that my hands were sweating. I re-gripped the microphone, holding it close to my mouth.

Just sing. Just get it out.

"Just a small town girl. Living in a lonely world. She took the midnight train going anywhere," I sang. I heard cheers in the background, some just singing along and not even caring about the fact that I was singing. That should've comfort it but it made me frustrated. I knew how I was before. I have performed in larger crowds than this, and I

I heard my voice through the speakers but I felt numb. The only thing that was working was the heart that was pounding painfully against my rib cage. I couldn't focus on the music well and I was detaching myself away from this.

"Just a city boy. Born and raised in South Detroit. He took the midnight train-" I continued to sing.

And then I froze.

I couldn't do it. My hands were trembling so hard. My throat was dry and all I could think about was nothing. My mind was an empty void.

The only thing I could think about was Mom.

"A singer..." I tried to continue before my voice completely died.

My breathing grew heavy. I pulled the microphone away, wanting it as far away as possible. As if it is suddenly burning my hands, I rushed to place the microphone on the table.

I heard some boos and pleas, but I felt numb. I turned to look at others that now were a distant thought. There was nothing by horror and anger in my head. My eyes were suddenly burning and my vision became blurry.

I needed to leave.

By fight-or-flight instincts, I run past the the crowd towards the door. When I walked down the drive way far enough, I placed my hands on my knees, looking at the conrete and focused on breathing again.

I blinked back the tears, focusing on feeling relaxed again.

Stop being like this.

Stop being like this.

Stop being like this.

Stop being.

I wish I could. I wish I could disappear and stop feeling this pathetic.

"Nate. Are you okay?" I heard David call out. I pulled myself up to seeing David run down the drive way, concern etched on his face.

"I'm fine," I managed to whisper without falling apart, though we both knew I was far from fine.

"Nate. I'm sorry-" he began.

"I told you I wasn't ready," I said softly, my voice growing louder with every word. "I told you I wasn't ready at all."

"I know, but.." he said, his voice trailing off. He rubbed the back of his neck before looking away. "I thought it would be fun to try again you know? I'm so sorry though. I won't do it again."

My head nodded, though to be honest, I stopped caring. I knew David meant well, and he was doing the same thing that everyone else was trying to say as well, but I just wanted to leave.

I wanted to disappear.

"It's fine David. I'm just going to go home," I said.

He nodded.

"I'm coming with. I don't want to leave you alone"

I shook my head.

"I can walk back. I need some fresh air," I lied, just wanting to be alone.

"Are you sure?"

I nodded. David looked at me for a moment before releasing a sigh.

"Fine. Just text me when you're back home," David said slowly, very clearly not pleased with what I was asking.

I gave a grateful smile.

Even though every part of me wanted to disappear.