Turning Tables

Chapter 23 - Realisations

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'I'm not sure where to start really.' James let out a slightly nervous laugh and he looked swiftly to Lily for encouragement to continue. She gave him none, keeping her face carefully neutral, her eyes as expressionless as possible. She didn't want to give him reassurance, she didn't want to give any feelings away; she wanted to make sure he wasn't just going to tell her what he thought she wanted to hear, she wanted him to express himself with no input from her to tell him whether he was saying the right thing or not.

She watched him take a visibly deep breath and then he squared his shoulders and turned slightly on the spot until he was directly opposite her, facing her head on. He dug his hands into his jeans pockets and stood unbending, feet slightly apart. Unfortunately for her, this particular stance made the flashes of attraction that he always sparked up in her flare a little stronger; just a little sparkle of longing that made her want to forget the disagreement and throw herself bodily at him, for no other reason than to feel the warmth of his solid muscles enclosing her, hiding her away from the world for just a little while.

'I'm trying to decide whether I should start with a couple of smaller things and build up, or whether I should just blurt the worst of it straight out.'

He spoke suddenly, as if the words had just fallen out before he could edit or stop them. She didn't think she'd ever heard him sound more nervous - it was disconcerting. James usually radiated self-assurance, even when he had no real right to be cocky. She reminded herself of her resolve not to give him any help with this and, quashing those little pulls of desire that wouldn't stop churning in her chest, she simply raised her eyebrows questioningly to indicate that she was listening but had no intention of offering participation. He took the hint and began again, directing his gaze just past her right ear as he maintained his rigid posture.

'You know about Remus, and that's pretty much where this starts. I'm not sure how long you've known, but it won't be as long as I have. We - that is Sirius, Peter and I - found out second year. When you share a dorm with a bloke it's easy to notice these things; we confronted him and he admitted everything. He was terrified we were going to hate him and ignore him or expose him to the rest of the school or something.'

Lily felt the familiar flicker of sympathy for Remus' plight, and she knew James saw it in her eyes when his darted to her face, as he continued with a renewed assurance in his words.

'Obviously we didn't do any of those things; Remus being a werewolf didn't make him less of a friend. I know you can sympathise with that.'

He looked straight into her eyes as he spoke, his hazel ones bright with sentiment, and Lily felt a faint surge of pride in his loyalty and lack of prejudice. It was one of the very best things about James, his unswerving tendency to judge people as individual cases, ignoring wealth or connections or blood. It was hard to know that it was exactly that loyalty and unwavering dedication to those he cared for that had led them here to this fight; his desire to be honest with her warring with his need to keep faith with his friends. She felt the beginnings of a little guilt stirring under the irritation and anguish that had kept her mind reeling over the last day; guilt for pushing him when she didn't really need to - she was confident now that he would have kept his promise to tell her eventually.

'He seemed to feel that we were doing enough for him just by keeping quiet and not giving up on our friendship. Remus is like that - grateful for things that he ought to be able to take for granted. As I'm sure you're well aware.'