everyones so fucking desperate for love man daz some sick shit init doesnt make any fuckin sense does it ? you got friends ya could be happy but you always want more youre lookin for a soulmate or perhaps someone to shag to get to bed next to every fuckin night. pathetic init we as humans are so fuckin pathetic always cravin more never happy enough never satisfied of what weve got not yet at least. maybe later we think maybe once im out of fuckin highschool ill find someone who wants to shag me but not too much right someone who loves me still who cares wholl listen to me rambling about all those things i, i mean we, crave. bloody hell id told myself i wouldnt use commas (is that even how you fuckin spell it) in this damn thing cos i dont really wabt it to make any sense for anyone but me really. why post it then what the hell am i doing anyways always craving that attention always looking for people to tell me how smart i am how my words are beautiful. fuckin piece of shit. i wish i didnt have to hear people talkin all of the fucking time i wish i could just hear these noises i like so dearly. these noises of the everyday life. water running through a glass my fingers against that same bloody glass the glass against the wooden table. the river, la seine, at night when the city gets cold and lonely. when everythings dark but not really because we have this soft yellowish light in our streets. the same fucking doors everywhere everything looks the fuckin same but our citys magic init city of love or some shit. bullshit. i wish voices would shut down so i could listen to the wind blowing through the trees blowing against the leaves when its not winter any more. i wish i was somewhere else sometimes i want my kids to grow up in londons dirty streets because i love britain so bloody much i learnt english. i learnt english for you britain and i feel like your language has become my own even more so than the one my mother speaks. i want to "shag" i want to smoke "spliffs" i want to call people bloody "twats" for you britain and youre runnin away. arent you ? before i turned 18 and even had the chance to get to know you by myself you left me here. and ive grown to love paris so damn much i dont know if id like anywhere else. i want to raise my kids with some english man but will i? or will i eventually come back here and speak solely english because id want my children to be even cleverer than i was. im just like my mom aren't i? stupid elitism of ours i fucking hate that. i dont want to yeet myself no more because ive grown to love life. to love these noises and these yellowy parisian lights at night and in the underground. where will i be in 5 years ? how much joy will my kids bring me ? will i be able to be a good father when my parents were so fucked up ? but aren't everyone's ? aren't I just trying to be special again ? everybody's life though and do i want babies ive raised to go through everything i hate about this world of ours? am i going to be able to go vegetarian again or is my body too damn weak? eating these corpses without even thinking about it. i don't eat much meat or even fish but still. and why would it be more cruel than having milk or eggs ? i don't make sense i love to think im so clever and so woke but im just as lost as everyone else. i want to close my eyes and listen to the noises. this pretty noise water makes when it flows then hits the bathrooms white sink. maybe i should be more ambitious maybe id be better off wanting to become something else than a happy good person. ever since i was 2 years of age ive been trapped alone with my thoughts feels like im going crazy sometimes. i can't shut down the voices and these noises everyone keeps making with their mouths but i can shut down my thoughts. as long as im listening to someone talk or playing a video game im alright. will i ever be happier than i am today or is life a roller coaster that just lasts way too long. i wish it could be simpler i wish i could see my friends anytime and forget about my thoughts forget about my doubts forget about love. i don't even want a boyfriend if hes not the sweetest thing ive ever came across. i couldn't have a girlfriend because they all think im so fucking gay even though i think cocks are so wrinkled and weird. i was going to stop this thing here because my mate texted me but i cant end this rambling on my thoughts on dicks can I ? i could but i dont feel like it. i just washed my face. i love it when it's so quiet and i can listen to the cotton rubbing my skin, peaceful
cheers
july 18th
