"If I tell you that I'm scared, would you mind to lend me an arm to hide ?"
―
Six years ago maybe I would run to hug her when I saw her before my eyes. But now, I am strong enough to hold back my intention and end up just waved my hand and forming a small smile at her.
Because things were so much different now.
"Hi!" She greeted.
Kim Soobin, and every inch of my heart and body knew her very well.
"Hi!" I try to greet her back as natural as possible, trying hard to not pull her on my hug.
I'm not trying to be cold or purposely to act cool. I just try to control myself and emotions to focus. To not touch even a slightest of her skin. Even though I want to. So damn much.
We walked side by side in the middle of calming Jeju. Spring is here, the flowers have been blooming since morning and I really enjoy the fragrance that carried out by the wind. The scent of Spring always remind me of her scent. Sweet and pleasant.
None of us dare to open a conversation as we are drowning on our own thoughts. Actually, I didn't understand where to talk or start. I try to open my mouth but I hardly found any words there. Back then, I used to talk about everything to her. But after our last break up, I think I lost my sense of talking.
We often broke up and going back together again. But six years ago, our parting really stuck permanently and built an unspoken wall between us.
She asked how I was doing and I foolishly paused to think that I had to use the right words. Because I myself also didn't really understand my situation. I'm healthy enough for men at my age. Eat on time and still exercise despite being lazy more often. I laugh everyday with my friends. I have work to do, so I don't have to worry about living expenses.
I am quite happy.
Although the word 'enough' didn't mean it always perfect.
I take a glimpse at her. She was still Soobin I used to know. Simply pretty and elegant. She cut her hair short, and it makes her looked more mature. I wonder, was she still using the same shampoo that I like?
Minute by minute passed by, but we just stood silently, gazing at the faraway sea out there and busy with our own thoughts. We love doing this kind of things too years ago. Having her tiny body on my hug and sniffing her hair and just looking at the sun that going to set down soon.
We were very happy back then. We used to be happy on each other embrace.
But look at us now. I didn't remember when we started feeling strange like this.
Ten years ago, I still remember vividly what it felt like. How comfortable we're on each other hug. How comfortable we're holding each other hands. How comfortable when we kissed each other and share the same blanket on rainy days. Cuddling all day long on weekend or doing other silly things together.
But then, years after I didn't find her again when I opened my eyes in the morning.
I am a men, and breaking up will not break me. So I carried out my activities as usual. Drinking coffee alone in my dorm, exercise and continue doing my work. Singing, shooting some CF and modelling too.
But when the night approaching and I crawled back to my bed ―looking at the dusty ceiling of my room― I wondered if I had missed something today. Why does my heart feel empty?
And the answer is billions miles away from me.
—I, lost her.
"I met Jaeyoon Oppa a month ago." She told me, but still won't look at my face.
