Ain't Nobody Like You

Chapter Forty-Four

I can feel his breath against my ear, the nibbling of his teeth and hear his sweet whispered words of love. I turn my head enough just so our noses brush to tell him the same, the heat of our breath mingling between us as he continues to thrust into me. Staring into each others eyes- filled with lust, filled with love- he leans his forehead against mine, brushing his lips against my own as he finds his release, moaning my name.

Three AM lovemaking is my new favorite.

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Now that I'm awake I can't seem to fall back asleep, no matter how much I wish I could. At least Marshall has managed to. As he snoozes, I slip quietly out of bed so not to wake him. He'll be back on set for another night shoot tonight, and with the girls away with Kim all he needs to do right now is rest. 

In the kitchen I brew coffee, pouring it into my favorite mug- one I picked up at some hole in the wall diner my last tour- when it's ready. And then I sit at the table, too tired to do much else yet.

As I wait for the coffee to cool, I stare at the window that looks out into the backyard. The sun isn't up yet, it's too dark to see anything. But I'm not looking outside. I'm looking at my reflection in the dark glass. 

A sudden sadness hits me alone in the kitchen at four in the morning. A familiar feeling I have had quite often during quiet moments like this these past seven months.

Seven months. Has it really been that long since I miscarried?

I absentmindedly place my hand over my belly. My flat, empty belly. There haven't been anymore pregnancy scares thankfully. But there hasn't been a day that's gone by that I haven't thought about what happened in one way or another. A small ache left in my heart at the memory, that might always be there. And that's okay, I don't want to forgot.

Seven months...If things went differently would I be like Sarah, about to have a baby any day now too? What a terrifying thought.

I wasn't ready then and I'm not ready right now to have a baby. Or even in the next couple years. I'm only twenty-four and at the peak of my career right now with too much going on in my life to even think about having a baby anyways. But someday...

I can picture it. And I know I shouldn't want it but I do. I envision my belly growing with child. Girl or boy, it doesn't matter, they'd be equally loved. With my nose and his eyes, a brown-haired perfect mix of the two of us. The girls would be wonderful big sisters. Angie a doting Aunt. And Marshall...he'd be just as amazing of a father as he always is.

My eyes start to sting, so I blink away the forming tears.

But Marshall doesn't want more children, I remind myself. He made that very clear when he told me it would be a 'fucking disaster' if I ever got pregnant. I will never have children someday, not with Marshall.

I don't know how long I sit at the kitchen table, hours perhaps as I zone out with my thoughts. But I don't move until I realize my reflection in the window is gone. The sun is out, daylight has arrived. I grab my now cold coffee, going to the sink to dump it since I'm no longer in the mood for it anymore.

As I rinse out the mug, Marshall walks into the kitchen on the phone. I glance over to see him in just his boxers, his expression annoyed as he argues back and forth about the legalities of some lyric he wants to put in about all of his current court stuff. He must be talking to Paul.

I wish he would have slept longer but at least the dark circles under his eyes are less noticeable than before. When he spots me by the sink, he beelines to me.