i was 15 when everything happened. i hadn't had great relationships in the past and not good ones to look at for examples. i mean yes my parents loved each other, but my dad was strung out on dope and my mom was tragically in love with him. nothing bad happened in my early years, they were filled with ignorance and bliss. playing in the woods with my siblings, pretending to be princesses, and other games were a common part of my childhood. the damage begun when my dad started to get better. addicts usually go through steps on the road of recovery, and one of which is no relationships. this meant my mother and father were split. first he went to rehab the day before sixth grade started, i bawled my eyes out bc i was worried my younger sister was going to grow up without a dad. seventh grade he was in NA and living 30 mins away. we were close with our father. he was the "cool" dad. he rode the rides at the water park, played outside, and taught us about the fun in life. having him gone was hard, especially during one of the lowest points of my life. i have a lot of siblings ranging in ages, attention is not something you always get and for a 7th grade girl it isn't helping the already horrible middle school. i began looking for male approval anywhere i could find it. i think i did this bc i blamed my dads drug use on me. i began sexting high schoolers thinking i was so mature and wanted, but in reality i was just being taken advantage of. i sexted people in the grade above me who then screenshotted and sent it around the school. i remember someone bought a screenshot for $20. every time i walked down the hallway i saw heads turn and whisper and sometimes could even hear the ugly names i was being called. it hurt being so young and having those things said about me by the people who were suppose to be my friends. i remember thinking i was worthless and searching for more approval this time over the internet. i would create close relationships with people far away thinking well if they tell everyone it doesn't matter, i won't have to hear it at least. i truly thought i was worth nothing. i looked for any way to be happy. i tried writing my feelings down. nothing. i tried talking to people. nothing. i tried drinking. nothing. i even tried self harm. nothing. i thought about ending it all but strangely enough Game of Thrones is what kept me going, because if i ended it i wouldn't know how the series ended. now isn't it awful for a 12 year old to have their only driving force be a tv show. eventually people saw the scars, and it was ironically when they were healing. my cheer coach yelled at me, the guidance counselors called my mom, and i was sent to therapy. i hated my therapist. i always felt like she was trying to say other people have it worse so my problems didn't matter. i felt like i couldn't trust her and that everything i told her would be told back to my mother. i knew i was good at manipulating emotions bc i had done it to many guys. i tried it on my therapist and it worked. short responses and digging up little things in life that didn't matter. i went to therapy for 3 sessions. i think it could have benefited me but my trust issues inhibited it. 8th grade rolled around and really nothing changed. my dad came home and instead of drinking i was smoking weed, but there was still a void i couldn't fill. freshman year was tampered by dating a senior who did heroin. he even took my on a trip to get it for his friend. i lost my virginity to him. he didn't pressure me to do it the first time, but being older i realize it was still wrong. i was newly 14 and he was 18. he would leave our "relationship" to go have sex with other girls then come back but flip it to where it was my fault. gaslighting was part of our routine. i blocked out a lot of the details of our relationship, but i remember the amount of pain it caused me. when we ended i was devastated i thought the love of my life had left me. i am glad it happened now.
