So.. uhm... i dont knwo how else to start this other than im struggling. Im struggling hard. I want to be left alone yet I want to be around people. I want to just curler in a warm dark place alone yet I want to be witb people and mt best frienxs and my adopted family. And I know that I need to be with people but I just cant bring myself to be around people.
I need people so I font feel alone but I just wholeheartedly want to be alone for five six days but its dangerous. I cant be alonen ill do bad things. Ive gone through it before. Im trapped it feels like. Trapped in my mind. Theres people around yet they all seem to be busy withh something or someone else. They mention playon a game together then ditch last second
Or youre talking witb them abour your panic and snxiety disorders and your depression and they just have to make it seem like theu have it so much worse, so you lock yourself in their basement and cry. And shake. And go through a blurry headsplitting panic attack alone because you just cant and I cant. I cant i cant. I cant be alone yet I cant be with people i cant cry but i meed to. I feel so fucking drained.
And its daily. Constant always makimg me scared and ancious and i fuckin hate it. I just wanna cry and cry. And just not exist but also exist and only exist with certain people and only habe certai. Peiple. I want to just dissapear yet exist. And just... be goem.
