Learning to Love

Prologue

I could not bear to see her the way she was, but there was nothing I could say to cheer her up. All I did was stand there... come to think of it.

I wonder when this became a norm. Standing on the edge of the 5th floor of an abandoned hotel and waiting for a girl I was so madly in love with to cry herself back to normal.

It was late, later than we usually let it get and the moonlit sky that night was peculiarly beautiful. I think I had stood for over an hour- an hour spent staring down at the ground.

I was crying, I should not have been. I was not the one who had just realised her boyfriend was cheating on her, I was just the friend. The friend who was madly in love with her, the friend who kept secrets from her, the friend who was nothing more than just a friend. The friend who just realised he had a death wish.

"What's on your mind?" Her sobbing voice called to me, pulling all the right strings in my head to snap me out of the trance I never realised I was in.
I looked down at her.

The messy curls of her hair blocked her tear soaked eyes from meeting mine, her blue top barely hanging on her shoulder as she sat on a crumbling balcony that looked like it could give way and send her plumeting to a painful death at any second.

Said balcony that I was standing on, it occured to me that she was expecting a reply. She was done crying and this was where I took the stage.
But my answer to her question would not help the mood, because the only thoughts in my head were about how it would feel to give in to my impulse and let myself drop.

Would my brains spray and I pass on swiftly? Would I go splat like a tomato? Would I lose consciousness before I even hit the ground or... Would I simply hit the ground and survive by some miracle?. Bottomline... would anyone care?.

And so I carefully sat myself down beside her, I most definitely did not want by accident when I intend to be there for her. I wiped my tears and I lied.

"I was thinking about flying" I replied with a smile. A smile so bright, convincing and yet so sickening it made my insides churn at a mental image of how reassuring I must have looked.

"Flying... " Sarah repeated to herself before chuckling alittle "You're weird jorh"
"I know" I sighed as we stargazed- escaping from a reality where our parents must have been worried sick about our whereabouts.

"Why do you stay?" She asked me out of the blue.
"Alive... or-" I let out puzzledly.
She laughed. "With me idiot... why do you always stay with me?"
"Hmm..." I pondered for a moment "Not always though-"
"ALWAYS" she insisted "I have alot of friends duh... but-".

"They're never around when I need them. B-bu...but you are" She trailed off as she fought the urge to cry again. 'Why do I stay?' I asked myself as a myriad of answers came rushing in.

First and foremost maybe it is because I am an Idiot that does not know when to quit, the fact could also be that I cling to this idea that the better a friend I am to her, the higher the chances that she will need me more or simply because I might unconsciously just enjoy seeing her broken down and sad-

"I stay because I love you" I let out atlast like the love struck fool that I was- but without the confident precision I had said it with in my mind. "Sarah... I love you".

I could see the surprise in her eyes as she stared blankly at me in silence for what felt like an eternity- right before grimacing and even gagging. I was slack jawed but then she laughed- hysterically.

"Sorry..." She continued "it's not you... it's- its- hah! Hhehe"
At that point I was furious at the fact she could laugh at a time like this.
"I'm a- oh... my gosh Imma horrible person" she giggled into her hand.

"HAHA... you dont say" I laughed awkwardly and furiously "Yeah... sure you are"
"No I mean..." She began before clearing her throat and trying to look as serious as she could. "Its not you, it's just what you said"
"I LOVE YOU?" I asked with my brow raised.

"Exactly..." She concurred as her demeanor somewhat changed. Suddenly she was dead serious with this stern look in her eyes. "I've given up" she declared
"On me!?" I snapped bitterly in retort.
"No dummy..." She sighed exaperatedly as she rolled her eyes at me.

Eyes on a face I had half the mind to slap rather than kiss. "LOVE..." She continued disdainfully "Love doesn't exist... and if it does- it's dead to me".
And she jumped off the balcony and dusted her trouser before smiling at me looking alot more triumphant that the last time we had been here.

Something snapped in me, I know she was sad and all but that statement sank. She meant it and Sarah is the kind of girl that sticks to her word and that is one of the many reasons why I fell for her.

"Funny..." I laughed, 'fell for her' I thought as I stared into her big brown eyes. She held out her hand, it was time for us to go home and ofcourse receive the scolding of our lives, but I did not take her hand because I did not need her help.

The angel I thought I saw in her suddenly was not there anymore, what was... looked dead to me.
"Let's go home dummy" she sighed as I rolled my eyes at her.
"Sure..." I replied before I took a deep breath and jumped off the balcony.

Funny, I heard her scream
- DOES THAT MEAN SHE CARED