If I have Nothing (Absinthe Series 5)

Kabanata 33

"When can you look at me that way again, huh? When will I ever see those sparks again in your eyes? I am trying so hard to understand..."

"U-understand what?" I can't help but wonder.

"Why in just a snap you were too far away from me. I tried to get along but you changed, baby. You're the one who's not getting along with me, Syden Amaryllis. I am trying so hard to reach out to you but you're the one who's been pushing me away."

Kinagat ko ang aking labi. Ayaw kong magsalita. Ayaw kong mapuno. I don't want to believe his words. He wasn't trying to reach out. It's just on the first few days but then he stopped trying. Bigla siyang naging busy at ayaw na din akong kausapin. I don't even want the blame because if he's seriously reaching out to me...why can't he tell me in the first place why he doesn't want to marry me? o ang sabihing ayaw niya akong pakasalan ay hindi niya nga masabi sa akin nang personal. I had to accidentally hear it.

"Months, I keep reaching out to you for months. I thought we were okay and then you're suddenly cold. You became like me. What the fuck even happened huh? Ayaw mo bang makasal sa akin?" His voice broke as he buried his face even more.

Nanigas ako nang dahil sa kaniyang tanong. He did wonder on that, too? Pareho ba kami ng iniisip nang matapos na ang seremonyang iyon?

"You went stiff," lumayo ang kaniyang ulo sa aking leeg, batid ko ang pagtitig niya sa akin,  "Ayaw mo bang makasal sa akin?"

His tone...I couldn't make out whether he's sad or disappointed or just plain surprised about it. Pero ramdam kong naging malalim ang kaniyang paghinga at paglungkot sa kaniyang boses.

"Did you regret marrying me?" he echoed the question.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango, hindi dahil gusto siyang saktan o kung anuman. Maybe it's time to tell him what I feel about this set-up. Maybe it's time to let him know what I felt all along.

Nang dahil sa aking sagot ay lumayo siya sa akin. Hindi na ako nagulat. What surprised me is when he held me by the shoulders and turned me around to face him.

"Why?"

Why....

Just that lone word was enough for me say the things that I wanted him to hear ever since we were married.

"Being with you suffocates me. I keep remembering how you became so unfair to me. How I was so foolish to even believe your words. How pathetic I am for liking a cold man like you. Kaya, oo, ayaw kong makasal sayo kasi hindi ako masaya...kasi nasasakal ako. I am too young for this, Rhett. I don't want to love a man like you. I don't want to be married to you...pero ano bang magagawa ko, ha?"

I pursed my lips as tears started to flow down my cheeks once again. Parang isang dam na sumabog ang naging dahilan ng pag-agos ng aking mga luha. I quickly wiped them, not intending to make him see that I am crying for this.

"You don't even want to marry me in the first place, right?" I whispered weakly. Nabasag ang aking boses sa pagsambit ng tanong na ayaw ko sanang sabihin sa kaniya.

"Syden..." Lumamlam ang kulay ng kaniyang mga mata. Umigting ang kaniyang panga nang makita ang kuha sa aking pisngi.

"It's true, right? You don't want to marry me. Napilitan ka lang din. Nakipaglapit ka sa akin kasi napilitan ka lang din. When I told you that I liked you before, napilitan ka lang din namang sabihin na gusto mo rin ako. When you courted me, napilitan ka lang din. Lahat ng iyon napilitan kang gawin Rhett!"

Iniwas ko ang tingin sa kaniya. I sobbed, "To even think that I fell for you? only to be fooled? Bata pa nga ako at ganoon din ang tingin mo sa akin kaya madali mo lang akong nauto. You didn't think about how I would feel after finding out that you don't want to marry me. Narinig ko kayo, kayo ni Tito Vladd..." nanginig ang aking mga labi. His eyes were filled with confusion as he waited for me to say something again. Gusto kong maalala niya rin ang gabing iyon.