Wrong Number, Spidey

Webbed DNA

He was laughing his ass off and taking photos, just generally being the lovable little shit he is.

However Peter was not having it. Unknown to Harley, Peter had his webshooters on...

Harley had been webbed to them faster than Pietro could say Underoos.

"What exactly did that achieve, Peter?" Stark asked, annoyed.
"Harley was asking for it." Peter said innocently.
"I never asked to be a part of this threesome!" Harley exclaimed.

Tony sighed, "Peter, how long until that web dissolves? And Harley Keener this is not a threesome!"
Peter was hit by sudden realisation, "It takes, uh, two hours to dissolve..."
Harley was outraged, "TWO HOURS?! TWO WHOLE HOURS?! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??? WE'RE GONNA BE STUCK TOGETHER FOR TWO FUCKING HOURS!!!"

Close to tears, Tony said, "FRI, can you play whichever Star Wars they're on somewhere they can see it?"
"Certainly, Sir. And might I say that you all have two more messages from Capsicle, both saying, "Language"."

Eventually, two hours passed and the webs dissolved. Thankfully, all three victims were still alive, and unharmed, at the end, give or take a few squashed toes.

Peter suddenly remembered where he and Mr Stark had been heading anyway...
The DNA test results.

A few minutes later, Tony and Peter arrived at the lab.

Natasha and Pepper turned to look at them as they came in. Pepper frowned, "You we right behind me, how are you so late?"

Tony and Peter exchanged glances and remained silent.

Looking bored, Nat said, "FRIDAY, show us what they've been doing for two hours."
"Of course, Ah Satan."

FRIDAY brought up the footage of Peter walking into and getting stuck to the door, Tony trying to help him and getting stuck, and Harley laughing and getting webbed.

"Right then..." Pepper said, trying to decide if she was surprised or not.

Although Peter was no expert, he was fairly sure that Nat looked more nervous and scared than usual.

"So, what's up with my DNA?" Peter anxiously asked.

Tony took a deep breath and said, "Pete, you should sit down for this," while guiding Peter to sit in the chair next to Natasha.

Pepper squeezed Tony's hand to reassure him, and he gave a weak smile in return.

Unsure what to say, Tony began, "So, Peter, do you remember your parents at all?"

After thinking for a minute Peter decided, "Not much, they played with me, talked to me, and I remember them leaving me before they died. Why?"

"Well, the thing is, Kid," Stark said, "They weren't your real parents. I'm so sorry, but remember that they didn't love you any less!"

"W-what?" Peter spluttered.
"It's a long story, one which you deserve to know." Pepper put in softly.
"O-ok." Peter said.

To his surprise, Natasha was the one to speak, "About 16 years ago, when I was with SHIELD, I was given a mission. I had to get some information off Stark, and that information was in his home. SHIELD didn't know where I would find it so I had to get it from Stark himself, without him getting suspicious. And since this was back in his playboy days, I used the easiest, most inconspicuous way possible. It didn't bother me, I had needed to use that technique previously while working for the KGB, still didn't enjoy it though.
Basically, I had a one night stand with Stark, sorry Pepper, and I got the information I needed. However I then found out I was pregnant. I didn't want the baby to grow up in SHIELD but I also couldn't get rid of it. I kept it secret from everybody, even Fury and Clint.
Nine months later you were born. I didn't want to leave you but I had no choice. I found my sister, Mary. I hadn't seen her since before I was taken by the Red Room, but she and her husband, Richard, promised to take care of you. I'm so sorry, Ребенок Паук!"

Peter was shocked. His mind was blown. His life was a lie!

"S-so, basically, you are my biological mother, and M-Mr Stark is my biological father?" Peter breathed.

"Y-yes." Natasha replied, trying to hide the fear in her voice.

"And my mom and dad, they were really my aunt and uncle?" he asked.

This time, Pepper answered, "Yes, Peter, but they still loved you, so so much!"

Peter nodded and queried, "Did you name me, or did Mu-...Mary?"

"I did, but I called you Pyotr, Peter is what's on your birth certificate though..." she said with tears forming in her eyes.

Peter saw how upset she was and hugged her, surrounding her with Cinnamon Roll.

"Я люблю тебя, мама," Peter whispered so only she could hear.

Peter than turned to face Tony, "Did you only find out because of this test?"
Stark looked almost shameful as he nodded, a tear running down his face.

Peter immediately pulled his dad into the hug, and proceeded to add in Pepper incase she got salty about being left out.

They hugged, having their beautiful moment, for several minutes when Peter exclaimed, "HANG ON! I'M HALF STARK AND HALF ASSASSIN! I'M HALF GINGER HOLY CRAP THAT IS AWESOME! AND MY FREAKING GRANDMOTHER (sorry, I meant grandfather) IS HOWARD STARK! OH MY THOR I HAVE AN OLDER BROTHER AND SISTER! AND I'M GETTING A YOUNGER SIBLING! I ALREADY HAVE WHATEVER THE HELL HARLEY IS, WAIT IS HARLEY RELATED TO ME?! WAIT WHAT DO I CALL YOU GUYS NOW?! OH MY FUCKING THOR THIS IS INCREDIBLE!!!"

Tony laughed at the teenager's reaction and smiled, "You can call us whatever you want, Spidey!"

"Whatever you feel comfortable with," agreed Natasha.

Peter grinned lovingly at his parents and said, "Thank you so much! I love you Dad, I love you Мама! Is it ok if I call you Mom? And then I can call Clint Папа?"

Pepper's smile widened, "Of course you can, Peter!"

"We should probably tell Birdbrain, Harley, and the twins now. They are family after all..." Natasha suggested.

Peter nodded, "Yeah, good idea, FRIDAY, please could you tell them to come here, if you don't mind?"

"Not at all, Peter. I will bring them to you now!" FRIDAY answered, her voice sounding slightly more mischievous than usual.

Half a second later, the vent opened and they all fell out, landing in a pile.

Tony and Peter laughed as they tried to untangle themselves. Natasha, meanwhile, smirked at them and said, "You listened to everything we said?"

They all looked up at her, slightly fearfully, and nodded.

She rolled her eyes and said, "Next time, just ask if you can join us."