taste // billie eilish

thirty three

i feel my eyes start to water as i re-read the part over and over where it mentions she left a note and i'm in it.

"w-what does she mean she's not really here?" i finally say before handing back over zoes phone.

"i think she's in a coma bil" zoe replies while rubbing my back.

i do my best to hold in my tears, wiping them away with my arm.

"billie it's okay to cry" zoe than says hugging me which ultimately breaks me.

i start sobbing into her arms as she continues to rub my back.

"it's m-my fault. she tried k-killing herself because of me zoe" i choke out.

"billie that's not true. i'm sure there were other things alongside it" she says obviously trying to make me feel better.

"no. it's my fault i know it is. i'm so fucking stupid. i was so mad at her and didn't even think about her feelings" i continue inbetween sobs.  "i'm so selfish"

"billie look at me" zoe says pulling away from the hug and gripping my shoulders so our eyes are forced to meet.

"this is not your fault okay? there's nothing you could have done. stop saying it is because it isn't." she says as i nod in agreement.

i didn't actaully agree, i know it's my fault. if it wasn't, i wouldn't have been mentioned in that letter.

"i need to see her" i than say as zoe nods. "tonight"

"billie i don't know if we can-" zoe begins before there's a knock on the door.

i know it was my mom, she is always the first person to come in after i finish in the greenroom.

"come in" i say as the door opens with my mom, dad, and finneas all standing there laughing about something.

their smiles quickly disappear of their faces as each pair of eyes meet my sad ones.

i quickly explain exactly what zoe had told me trying my best not to break down but it doesn't help to see a couple tears fall from finneases face.

"i'm flying back to LA tonight" i than say after a moment of silence.

"billie sweetie all your stuff is here, you can't just leave today" my mom says similar to what zoe was trying to tell me before.

"i don't care, i can have a flight back to germany the next day. i have tomorrow off if we book a flight now" i say quickly.

"billie it's a 14 hour flight back to lax." my dad then says causing me to roll my eyes.

"i do not give a fuck. if i'm not on a plane within the next four hours i'm going to lose my shit" i than say as my mom finally nods.

"fine, i'll see what i can do." my mom says obviously not happy with the situation.

"thanks" is all i manage to get out.

i check my phone for the time which read 8:00pm as i sighed and let myself fall into the couch.

"you okay?" finneas than asks taking a seat next to me.