song fics

Before I go (pt. 2) TW!

TW!!!!!! Depressive and suicidal thoughts, mentions of suicide

please don't read if you're sensitive to that kind of thing

If you are struggling with depression, please, please know that I love you, I care about you.

I would notice if you were gone

Talk to me.

I'd rather have a conversation with a stranger than mourn your loss.

people love you

people care about you.

don't give up.

Take me

to the roof tops

Tsukki looks down from the top of the roof. The world below is so beautiful, so full of light and life. Not for him. He doesn't fit in anymore.

I wanna see the world when I stop breathing, turning blue

Exhaling a deep sigh, he picks up his phone and searches his contacts.

He owes them enough to at least say goodbye.

Tell me love is endless, don't be so pretentious

"goodbye Tadashi.
I always loved you.
but that doesn't matter now, does it?
You're with Yachi, you're expecting a child, it's fine.
I missed out. 
but that doesn't mean you can't be happy.
I just- ran out of time.
it's too late for me.

I love you.
Kei"

he hits send, sighing.

Leave me like you do

Pulling up Yachi's contact, he tries to think of what to tell her.
in the end he types:

"thank you.
you made him happy where I couldn't.
You two deserve to be happy, together.
It's just too late for me now.
goodbye, I'll miss you."

If you need me, wanna see me

His phone is pinging with concerned messages from Yamaguchi, but he ignores them all.

Better hurry 'cause I'm leaving soon

His phone starts to ring, and against his better judgement he picks up.

"Sorry can't save me now"

"Tsukki-" Yamaguchi's voice is soaked with tears, and breaking with concern. "i-"

"Sorry I don't know how" Tsukki cuts him off, choking back tears of his own. "Sorry there's no way out" 

"sorry" Yamaguchi's voice is weak, helpless. "I'm sorry- i- I never told you. I wanted to"

But down

Hmm, down

Tsukki glances down, the wind whipping his hair.

Taste me, these salty tears on my cheeks

The tears are still falling, but he makes no effort to stop them.

That's what a year-long headache does to you

He shuts his eyes, trying to block out everything

I'm not okay, I feel so scattered

Standing up there, the wind in his hair, nothing but him and his thoughts.

Don't say I'm all that matters

He remembers how Yamaguchi used to look at him, before he withdrew and started dating Yachi

Leave me, déjà vu

Fuck these memories, they hurt too much

He was about to step off the edge when the door slams open and Yamaguchi's strained voice screams out his name.

If you need me, wanna see me
You better hurry, I'm leaving soon

His face turns to the heavens, a sad melancholy smile crossing his lips.

"Sorry can't save me now"

"Sorry-" Yamaguchi pleads him, "Come back, please-"

"Sorry I don't know how" Tsukki turns, looking into Yamaguchi's red-lined eyes, "I don't know to live without you"

"sorry" Yamaguchi's voice startles him. It sounds broken "Sorry there's no way out- But down- Hmm, down" He smiles sadly at him before continuing on, "Call my friends and tell them that I love them" glancing over the edge, he looks back at Tsukki. 
"And I'll miss them"

Tsukki cuts him off before he says more

"But I'm not sorry" He pulls his hands from Yamaguchi and stands. "This is the only way." 

He leans down and kisses Yamaguchi, the kiss soft and sad, full of unspoken words.

"Call my friends and tell them that I love them
And I'll miss them"

Sorry

*

*

*

A/N

Hey, I do realize this is a bit of a heavier topic, I don't hold it against you if you didn't read.

If you're sensitive to these topics I just wanna say im proud of you for not reading.

I used to struggle with self-harm, depression, and suicidal thoughts (I don't want your concern but thank you) and so far, I haven't cut since February! 

It sounds stupid but for me that's a HUGE achievement and im really proud of myself. 

If you're like me and struggle with these things, I'm here for you. 

I care about you.

Just like in life, this fic will have a happy ending.

Keep pushing

It gets better.

love, 

    Alex.