It's for the best

Pt 41- My story and why it ended

I'm Lily Coy and this is my story and why it ended.

Abuse. Abuse is a different kind of scar, a scar that won't fade away, a scar that haunts you everyday, a scar that cuts deeper than a blade. I have dealt with abuse every since my older brother died from a fire. I wasn't told the whole story. It was late at night when a bunch of junkies came and lit up a match. Who knew a stupid little match could cost someone there life. The house was already burning down before he noticed, Paolo was his name, before he could make it to the fire extinguisher or even get out from a door it was to late. His lungs were already filled with gas and the fire just kept going closer and closer, eventually the fire hit him and he burned to death. Who knows if there was more to the story but it was all they told me. I was 12 and he was 24. His life was taken from him too soon. My parents didn't take his death well at all. I mean who would? He was the perfect child in the family, top of his class, had better manners than the jocks of course, never failed to get anyone to like his presence. My parents started drinking uncontrollably together, I know it's the main reason parents start to hit there kids but even when they didn't drink they would take it all out on me. They were the reason I was in pain, not only physically but mentally too.

I know it sounds ridiculous that one subject could have possibly hurt that much to drive me into my depression. You don't understand until your in that position, it flouts in the back of your head always reminding you of the things you will have to face when coming back home. Your drunk parents throwing anything coming in their way at you or ranting to you about how horrible you are. The actions taken make a huge impact and so does the words, it will never leave you, no matter how far you run or sink it stays.

I remember having to clean up the shit my parents leave on my body in my room, remember starving myself so I won't have to go downstairs to get food, remember crying my eyes out everyday, and I remember it being hard to breathe while letting the smoke leave my mouth and into the air. Drugs. It was my way out. I let the substance get inside me letting my body float free, unproblematic, being happy for a moment. I let vapes hit my lips making me feel alive, I let the needles tickle my skin before sliding inside my blood causing me to laugh carelessly, smile uncontrollably, forgetting about life or why I was in pain because that didn't matter in the moment. I let these "harmless" tiny things take me over but turn me happy to broken every time. It was hard to look my best while always shaking or twitching from such little connection with the drug for hours. I didn't want anyone to know how I was numbing my pain, my scars, and my hurt. This was me hurting myself slowly but loving it.

Blades. The shiny silver blades haunts me. A needle is a skinny small thing you could get use to from always getting it stuck into you but blades were big, square, sharp, and more painful while letting it slide against your dry, hidden skin. It hurt. The open cuts it leaves, the purple bruises from hurting your skin to much, and the reason of why you are doing it for. I didn't do it for the fact that I was asking for help but for the fact that it was a open door way I could take. Just like the drugs, it numbed the pain for a moment so you had to keep doing it. The drops of blood leaving my arms and moving into my bedsheets never leaves my mind.

I couldn't take it anymore. My life.

I got out of my bed dropping the needle and the small bag of substance and walking over to the garage. My parents were out at a bar carelessly drinking there pity's away. I found a rope. I stumbled up to my bedroom closing the door behind my steps. I took out the plant from the hook on my ceiling. I was under drugs so I clearly wasn't thinking right but I knew it was time and if I died with drugs just know I was happy. I tied the knot onto the rope, securing it making sure it was tight enough to not get out of my necks grip.

I had to do something else. Avery. I slide a sheet of notebook paper onto my desk and began writing. Writing down everything I wanted to tell her, writing down my feelings, writing down the shit we went through together and about how happy I am to have completed my journey with her. I know I shut her out but it was for the best. I hope she would understand. Maybe not now but later in the future.

I grabbed a small step stool placing it beneath the rope. I was letting these salty tears leave my eyes not caring about wiping them at all. It was time. Time to end it all, time to end everything I had on my shoulder, time to let go, of myself and life. It was time. Now. I was shaking up and down through out my whole body but I wasn't going back. I can't go back. Not now not ever. I stepped on the stool, lifting my body reaching the hole my neck will slip through, reaching the hole that will end my life, reaching the hole that will give me what I want. Peace again.

I let my neck slide through the hole and relax itself before preparing its for what's next. I let my foot slide kicking the stool. I felt the cold stool leave my grip. It happened so fast and before I new it the rope was hurting my skin and my neck. I knew I would have a burn but it doesn't matter now. It was chocking me, taking my last breathes away. It hurt. I felt the rope rub my neck, sinking inside. It felt like it was cutting something inside my neck. I was struggling to breathe. I can't breath anymore. I felt my eyes get heaving along with my body. My eyes shut before I couldn't feel anything anymore.

It all went black. No more pain. Dead.

I'm not sorry.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~..~.~.~.~.~

Wow this took a lot to write. I'm sorry I went really detailed to the sensitive ones but I had to make sure what she was going through was felt through the screen. I'm sorry I took long to write but I had to plan out everything in this chapter.

Also if you or someone is going through something like this, make sure to get the help needed or get the support from others. I love you and take care. 💗