_falling in fire_

Chapter 1

I'm not the most wonderful girl ever. I'm not like, super nice, that everyone likes me and wants to be my friend. I don't always stay calm even when I'm freaking out inside. In fact, I'm quite the opposite...well, I was.

When I was eleven, when I had my very first "freak out, blow out" as my dad calls them. I was sitting down in math class and I could not get this one problem. I'd always sucked at math, still do. But usually it only takes me a little while to start understanding the concept of the problem. This time, though, I'm just couldn't get a grip on what we were doing, My Brain was just not having it even a little.
I remember the feeling quite clearly, at first it was the normal amount of anger. I was annoyed, and then I was angry, and then I felt so dumb. Everyone else was understanding what we were doing and by now the teacher was getting annoying and that made me feel even dumber. The. I felt hot, like I was burning up inside, all I wanted to do was run, or walk. Just get out of here.
"I need to go, just for a second." I told the teacher.
"Not now, we have seven minute left of class, you can wait." Ms. Humphrey said it like she new what was happening Inside me, no, she didn't. She didn't know anything about me, except that I sucked at math. That made me angrier.
"I need to go to the bathroom." I told her.
"Seven minutes, Jessica." And then she walked away, and I just sat there, at my desk by myself, burning with anger. Ms. Humphrey comes over a little later.
"If you don't get this done by the end of class Jessica, your grade will go down...a lot." And that was it. The anger kind of...exploded out of me. I stood up, looking her right in the face, my fists clenched. I want to hit her, grab her shoulder and squeez it so hard that blood oozes out around my hands. See, ide never, ever do that. In fact, if I even had one small thought like that -when I'm not super angry- I would push it out ASAP. But I have zero control over where my thoughts take me.
"You don't know. Anything." I say.
"Jessica, how's not the time to be difficult." No, she's the one who was being difficult.
"You don't know what your talking about. You don't know anything about me. And if I want to go-if I want to go to the fucking bathroom I can!" I stomp my feet, I swing my arms, everything. And on my way to the principals office, I completely regret it all, most of it. Ms. Humphrey was in the wrong, what if I was in my period or something and I was just to embarrassed to say anything. She didn't know anything about me, she wouldn't know if my dog had died, or of, worse, my gramma or grandpa had. But I'd just exploded at her in front of the whole class. The principal sent me home early -thank god!- and I sat in my bed for the rest of the day, mom was ferrous at me, even after I explained how I'd felt.

I went back to school, the week after. But things weren't the same, my whole friend group kinda ditched me, without saying anything which I felt was even worse them saying it straight to my face. Nobody really talked to me, everyone kinda just stayed away like I would explode on them. I didn't out loud, but I did explode on my parents, for even little things like not cooking the pat enough and every time I felt like complete shit after it all.
A month after, I wen to my parents crying. "I don't know what to do! Everyone hates me at school and the teachers are treating me like I'm going to hurt someone and they need to be safe around me!" Dad signed me up for therapy and we went to the doctor, who said that I have an anger management disorder and assigned me medication. I continued school, with no friends. I felt really sad and some days even depressed. So when dad and mom told me we were going to be moving to another state because of a job offering, I didn't complain. I have nothing to loose.