When The Stars Align

chapter thirty seven | relapse

I closed my eyes. I didn't want to face the truth again, I just wished I had control over myself again, but I ended up like this again. "I relapsed again," I whispered, closing my eyes.

"It was bound to happen, baby." I could feel my mother's ghostly fingers moving the hair away from my face. "It wasn't your fault this time, Vera."

I gulped. This time. "Take me with you, Mom." I opened my eyes, which were watering. "Take me with you, please."

My mom purses her lips. "I don't understand, Vera."

"Yes, you do," I argue. "You do, because I ask you every time. I want to die, Mom. The universe doesn't let me die." I paused, taking a breath. "I want to go with you. I want to be with you and Dad and no matter what I try, I can't." I begin to sob.

"Vera, honey, you don't mean that." Lyra Carmicheal tries to shake some sense into her daughter. She tries her best to convince me.

"Four attempts, three overdoses-" I pause, gaping for air. "-A handful of near-death experiences, most which weren't accidental. I don't want to live with myself anymore. I don't deserve to live. I'm better off dead, Mom. Why am I not dead?"

Victoria buries her face in Lysander's chest. She can't deal with the words coming from my mouth. But my mother has heard this all from me before. "You aren't better off dead, Vera. Think about your siblings, Vera. Your nieces and nephews. Your friends."

"If I killed myself, then the last time they would see me would be when I was eight. My body would've been found eventually. I'd have my funeral. I'd be at peace."

My mother gave me a look that I couldn't read. "Are you telling me that you would've been at peace with the entire kingdom in the wrong family's hand?"

"The whole point of marrying Tori to the king was to already be close to the king. She could've easily taken the throne from there." My voice was more of a growl now. "The only fucking reason why I'm involved is because she was born a couple months early. I didn't have to exist. I don't deserve to exist. I hurt so many people."

I'm breaking down. I'm losing myself. I can't do this.

"No one's capable of loving me. I don't deserve to be loved." My lip quivers. "I'm fractured and broken and a pain in the ass in whoever's lives I'm apart of. I don't deserve to be cared for and I don't deserve to be loved by people who don't deserve to be burdened by me." I look over to my siblings. They shouldn't have gone through so much trouble with me. They should've just left me alone. "And what friends, Mom? I don't have any, not anymore."

"Atticus..."

Atticus, who wasn't even here right now. Atticus, who claimed he loved me. "I ruined his relationship. I hurt him more than once. I'm at fault for Leo's capture. I'm at fault for Lysander's broken leg. I'm at fault for the mental scars that are probably going to torment them for the rest of their lives."

My chest tightened and put an arm around it. I don't let anyone touch me. "No one is capable of loving me. I'm a burden. I'm not a queen, nor will I ever be. I'm a mess, Mom."

She grabbed my hand. "One day, you will be queen. One day, things will get better. You'll be happy, and you'll be with someone that loves you very much. You'll have children that will bring joy to your life-"

Joy. Was that what I brought my mother? If that was the case, why am I like this? Because my mother certainly didn't bring joy to my life.

"Do you know why I'm a mess?" I asked, looking my mother's ghost in the eye. "Do. You. Know. Why. I'm. A. Mess." I stretch each word. "You. You're the reason why I'm a mess."

She backs away, as if I could hurt her. She's a ghost, for god's sake. "Vera, baby-"

"Did you abandon me, Mom?" Ansen's remarks haunted me for years. Now I needed the answers. "Did you leave me in the forest and claim that I was lost? Did you get rid of me because of a stupid prophecy? Did you - and Dad - single handedly ruin Lysander and Victoria's life after that by killing yourself for this?"

My mom hesitates. She wasn't supposed to hesitate.

"You're a liar," I spat. "Are you happy now? Are you happy seeing your child in front of you, broken? Are you happy knowing that my life was shit, just like you wanted it to end up, so that I somehow become queen. Are you happy realising that you ruined everything and everything good that was possible for me, because of a prophecy?"

The room stayed quiet. Everything was still. My mother didn't have a response to my question... and that's what broken me. That's what made my heart shatter. Because if I got lost, then the explanation would be simple. But my mother got rid of me.

"Do you realise what he did to me?"

Lyra Carmicheal stood up from her seat on my bed. She walked over to Lysander and her ghost planted a kiss on his forehead. She does the same to Tori. She doesn't kiss me goodbye. She doesn't hold me.

She walks to the front of the room. "One day, you will make a phenomenal queen, baby girl. But only after you learn to control yourself. After you learn your value to yourself."

My mother disappears before my eyes, as if she was never in the room in the first place. But her presence still lingered in the air. Our argument left its mark.

I stayed quiet. I let the rage build inside of me. At this point, I was a ticking bomb waiting to explode.

Victoria returns to my side. She forces me to lie back down and I don't have to energy to argue. She sniffs as she wipes away my tears. "I love you, Vera."

I shook my head. No, she didn't. She was just saying that. I'm still better off dead.

She kisses my forehead as I feel my body grow heavy. Her fingers stay entwined in mine as I begin to drift.

"We're all here for you, Vera. We love you more than you think we do. All we want is for you to get better."

I nod slowly before I let the darkness swallow me.