Humans are extremely complex beings. We often don't make much sense. Plenty are hateful to one another for no good reason. I'm starting to realize this. It pains me.
Some believe we are born altruistic. I'd love to think that. I would love to think that hate is something that is taught... but even then, why are there hateful people? Surely it's not that difficult to stick to what is basic, to love one another unconditionally, to support each other?
I've been alive for about sixteen and a half years. I've met plenty of hateful people. I've also met plenty of good people. In the first grade, this girl let me sit next to her on the bus because she knew I was new in the town and I didn't know anybody. That was kind. One day, when I was waiting for the bus, another girl that I didn't know let me stand under her umbrella with her, because it was pouring down and I didn't have one. That was kind. She turned her actions around though, once we were getting on the bus she purposefully tripped me. That was hateful.
I don't mean to ramble, although it doesn't matter, right? No one's reading this but me? That is how journals work, I believe. Oh wait, except for when your English teacher is grading them. Yeah, I see you Ms. Brooks. It's okay. We're gonna get close this year, and you've promised to keep things confidential.
My entire life has been me questioning everything. And I mean everything. Why things are certain ways, my religion, my sexuality, my gender, my parents. Literally everything.
I'm only sixteen. I know I'm young. But I've been raised around much older and more mature people, I had to experience puberty rather early on, I know how to form a proper opinion. I know how to tell if what I'm feeling is real or not. That doesn't stop it from getting confusing sometimes.
I've never been really really girly. I was always sort of a tomboy growing up. I enjoy makeup, but that's about the only feminine thing. I've had plenty of girlfriends, and boyfriends. I've always erred on the side of bisexuality. The past two years I've been questioning whether I really feel like a young woman though. And I don't. I've hinted towards nonbinary, androgynous, anything but a girl. I could never say this to my parents, of course. I'm scared to even say anything to a therapist, they'd start talking about hormones and whatnot. I don't want to deal with any of this until I'm eighteen. I want to be able to move out and be able to know I'll be okay.
I don't know. You said we can write about whatever. I'm just extremely confused with everything going on with myself and I'm not too sure what to do about it. I've only slightly talked to my best friend. Just know that I'll be okay.
