To the Space Station

fly

“ I wish I could give you that wedding you wanted, Saeyong. ”

I couldn't even recognize my own voice anymore. The once simple act of talking that I love so much was so hard. Every word, I had to chase air as it comes so fleeting. Some days I just think of why I have to suffer. Why me? I wasn't really afraid of leaving rather I am more afraid for  who I'll be leaving behind.

He loves my voice despite how I sound like a hag right now. He kisses me tenderly and his warm gaze tells me how much he finds me so beautiful. I love that gaze the most. It makes me forget of where I am and what I have become.

“ The wedding we had was more than enough for me, MC. ”

I give him a smile but it drops quickly. My lips are dry and they bleed easily whenever I stretch them to a smile. I don't understand how he can still look at me like I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. But knowing Saeyong, he never valued physical appearance and that made me love him more.

No matter how broken I am, he was always there to pick up my pieces to glue them together. Then he'll tell me in a whisper, so quiet that it almost seems like a secret only the two of us should know, "I love you". Voice so tender and loving and so Saeyong that it made me cry a lot.

“ But still! Since you wa– ”

A series of coughs stopped our conversation as Saeyong helped ease me back to the pillow. I didn't even notice how I was slowly sitting up. He handed me some water which I took gratefully and he held my hand. I noticed the gaze he gives me whenever he thinks I don't notice. The gaze that's so selfless and so him. The best of all that...its only reserved for me.

“ If only I can hack that disease away from you then transfer it to me. ”

I chuckle and grip his hand in mine.

“ I thought you left that life behind already. ”

He laughed and grumbled of how I always teased him despite how serious he is. That's the point of my fear. He always seemed to make me his focus that when I'm gone I'm afraid that he'll go astray.

“ Saeyong, you don't have to be alone in this. ”

He frowned at me and I know he'll be stubborn again. He brushed some stray strands off my forehead before giving me a forehead kiss. He seemed to linger longer than usual as he hugged me. From this position it probably will hurt his back but he didn't seem to mind.

“ It won't reach that point cause you're gonna be better. ”

Empty words of hope. I was usually the one who raises your spirits but here we are. Oh how low have I fallen.

“ Lecturing me already. Our Saeyong's such a man. ”

He whined and it made me laugh or more like wheeze more.

“ You of all people know that I'm a man MC. ”

He grumbled beside my ear as he hugged me tight before briefly loosening his hold to get a better look at me. He always does this whenever. But recently he seemed to do this quite often in every hour or so.

“ You should take a picture. It'll last lon– ”

“ No. I won't need a picture since you'll always be here with me. ”

I couldn't bear to stare back at those pure and hopeful gaze so I resigned myself to looking on my lap. It made me look at my skinny hand. The outlines of my bones clearly seen as if one cut and you'll quickly reach them.

“ Please don't lose hope MC, you'll definitely be better soon. ”

You said that yesterday and the day before that and the following days before that and yet I'm still here. Warming the bed of my soon first coffin. Letting the people who are more broken than me become strong outside while breaking inside. I feel pathetic and useless. I should be the one helping you guys and not the other way around.

I don't want this family that just recently got together again. Fall apart just because I couldn't get rid of this disease plaguing me. Sometimes I wish I could just turn back time. Back to the time where everything was simple and maybe I wouldn't pick up that phone I found.

That way you wouldn't be in pain because of me. That way you wouldn't have to be more reserved and be forced to 'grow up'. I promised you to be true to yourself but now you can't do that without feeling guilty because of me.

Maybe I wasn't the right one for you?

“ Stop crying, MC. ”

“ I'm not crying. ”

Perhaps I was too deep in my thoughts that I never noticed the drops of tears on my hand. Saeyong using his red handkerchief that held a smell of Dr. pepper. No matter how hard I tried to give him a healthy diet. He'll always have a secret stash of those drinks and honey buddha chips. But I never did try that hard to stop him. After all, its what makes my Saeyong, Saeyong.

If it were the once simple days, Saeyong would have made a fun remark of me lying. But now he looks so broken and I feel a stab of guilt. No matter what I do. I just end up hurting the people who care for me so much.

Perhaps I should just go...but I don't want to leave Saeyong. I don't want him to be alone anymore. He spent almost the entirety of his life alone and I...I can't just leave the love of my life.

“ We're gonna be okay. ”

Blinking in confusion at the now close proximity of our faces. I didn't even notice Saeyong hugging me again. His chin resting on my bony shoulder which I doubt would bring him any comfort. He doesn't seem to mind as he hugged me tighter. Saeyong's hugs were always the best.

Its warm like all hugs but there's a comfort and grounding effect it has for me.

Yeah...we'll be fine. Someday, a tomorrow will come where I'll be able to give him the space station wedding he desires. We'll invite the RFA and have honey buddha chips with Dr. Pepper. Vanderwood should be there and Saeran will be our bestman.

Everything will be fine. It's not yet the end...right?

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Thanks for bearing with my grammatical errors. Even I cringed while reading it but I just wanted to dish this out. The pain of knowing that mysme is finally gone has made me feel so old rofl.