Today as I fall into the pit of depression I realize I'm not so sure on what I feel or think. I can't help but to doubt and second guess my choices and decisions. But life goes on and it must, I'm a bright kid with my future ahead of me. I gotta keep on.
This'll help right?
I want to tell someone these feelings and doubts but I don't want to worry people or scare them, ya know?
As I walk through my day I'm both haunted and blessed by old memories. Which leaves me little time for worrying about what my life is now or where it's headed. My day job is memory wandering and my hobbies are self doubt, self deprecating behavior and self destructive behavior. When people get a peak into my thoughts it scares them away and I don't quite understand why. I'm like everyone else right? As I stand alone like some outlandish creature I can't help but to doubt my self. I walk into a room and just feel the awkwardness. I don't know whether to scream out or sulk away. If it weren't for a few people I would be drowning in this lonely world. Instead I'm merely floating down stream adrift and confused. I'll make it. I have to.
I'll always be here for you. Will you? People come and go and I found the only thing for certain is people leave. Thanks for the sentiment and it makes my heart a little warmer but I know you won't. I don't hold it against you.
It's been a while since you've peaked your ugly head. Here I am thinking you're gone and that I could be happy with who I am and what I believe and think. I was sorely mistaken. I'm shaking wondering am I right to think this. Why is it difficult to convey what I think. Why is the anger rising. Why can't I just be the way I want to be. I know why. Because I have the man I am supposed be looking up to's anger and stress and my mother's straight cut views. The people who understand me most I am scared of. They know too much without me ever speaking a word. What if. What if one day they decide he's too much. Most days I think I'm too much.
Happiness is a constant struggle. I'm slowly realizing that struggle is worth the reward. A battle in me every day is what decides how I feel that day. Happiness is not the filling of joy. It's merely the cover up of all the anger and sad. Most days the happiness pulls ahead for a while. Then right after I get used to it the anger sadness and depression creep in and take over. They stab at me. They spout thoughts at me. Are you enough? Are you too much? Why are you like this? Why'd you force them out? I never know the answers.
I hate feeling like a cliche. Like Thousands of people have done, said or wrote down exactly what you did. It makes my thoughts feel less important to me. They shouldn't. They're valid. How I feel is valid.
It's helping
I love a lot. Which makes me happy. But also leaves my wondering. Heartbroken. That's what brings me happiness but is also what cuts it down with a sharp axe. Sharp axes get dull. It takes longer to cut it down as time goes on. Then some thing comes along and is a whetstone to that dull axe. All that progress is gone. My happiness tree is cut down again. These whetstones are usually breathing. When they leave they leave a keen edge.
Hiss of the line screaming off a reel. The struggle between man and the fish of a thousand casts. Most days I'm the man reeling the fish in. Some days I'm the fish getting dragged to the unknown.
I am stereotypical. Who isn't. There is no original thoughts in this big world we live in.
Frustrated. A word we use to blanket a bundle of emotions. Each one finding a spot in the word.
Why try. If you don't try at least you have an excuse when you come up short, right?
Things never change. I hear promises that this one will be different. Bullshit. The monotony is all there is and all that there will ever be.
You don't shut doors in life you walk down a corridor and open doors with decisions you make and head down another until you make a decision and open a door and walk down it.
I'm proud of me. I work towards what makes me happy. I've changed a lot. Words aren't as hard as they used to be.
It helps. I feel better.
I have moments of struggle. I feel lost and I don't know the way out. It comes as a shock because I've never been so certain and happy with myself. I've been going through a lot of growth. I have changed my entire viewpoint, I'm loving it and I feel better. I still get stuck in ruts of thought.
I fucking lied. I'm still that kid that's sits in his room and cry's because all he wants in the moment is to be dangling from that rope he's had tied up to end it for years. I'm still the kid that wants to leave everything behind. I'm still the kid who gets drunk to cover up his problems. Why am I fucking like this. I hate it so much. I hate not knowing how to change it. I thought I was doing better. I fucking lied
I'm really tired of giving my everything to people. I'm tired of talking about nothing but them. I am really tired of having to bite my tongue because I'm supposed to be the bigger man. I'm really goddamn tired of people who think they're gods gift to the earth and that I am beneath them.
I'm tired of giving my all and still ending up sitting in my room crying and alone trying to bargain with myself on why I shouldn't do the things I'm thinking
I'm doing all the stuff that used to make me happy and it works momentarily but I'm still the same kid that sits in his room alone wishing for death but not having the balls to do it.
Today you let me know how you truly felt. You showed me to never trust you. You always say at least I'm not my step dad. The lesser of two evils is still fucking evil. You tricked me when you were drugged up. You showed compassion to me. I could see it in your eyes. That's why this guy wrenching feeling is so hard to get over. It's hard to connect the dots between the compassionate father and the cold hearted tyrant. I'm not even mad anymore. I feel bad for you. Your kids and your wife are scared to be around you. It really must be sad. I'm glad you're lonely. You truly deserve it. - love the kid who grew up to realize his father isn't a role model but a cautionary tail.
