DEAN MARTIN SHAFT: You do realize youre the youngest instructor we've ever hired here
ALEX RIMMER: well thank you very much
DEAN MARTIN SHAFT: that wasn't a compliment
ALEX RIMMER TO CAMERA: no no no I don't have a teaching background I come from a long line of professional stand up comedy
ALEX: so by show of applause how many of you have had an abortion (to a crowd)
ALEX: (asian accent) wah hewwo today we havau chicka ching pork and me so hornee (to an asian church)
ALEX: it's really hard NOT to offend anyone these days.
ALEX TO CAMERA: my name is Alex Rimmer I have been a Hollywood regular now for about six- uh seven years and well you probably saw it a couple months ago on TV when I (sigh) reacted- a little bit more heavily than I should have, on a talk show (/e punches and doesn't miss) and- I well, i'm trying my hardest to get myself turned around right now.
I moved back home, to Akron, Ohio where I grew up and I decided to teach a semester of theater arts at valley village community college
ALEX: todays my first day ;)
ALEX PRAYING AT THE DOOR: Dear father god and jesus please let the students behind this door be the most energetic, most aspiring, determined actors, Akron Ohio has ever seen amen.
time to watch prayer in action! (thumbs up) lets go!
(long pause, class is silent staring at him with boredom)
ALEX: oh son of a bitch
ALEX (collecting himself): welcomeee to your first day in the beginning theater
KAREN: when is our teacher getting here
ALEX: he will be here in five seconds
(he turns around, gets into character and waits 5 seconds)
ALEX: tah dah I am Alex rimmer I will be your theator mentor this semester!
JAMIE: how old are you 25- 26?
ALEX: 24
JAMIE: i have warts older than that
LINDA: is anyone else gonna be in the class?
OLIVER: when do we get out
(whole class speaking inaudible)
ALEX: i think i know whats going on here...
it's the first day of class and we're all a little nervous and on edge and I know what you're thinking,
I don't wanna make myself look stupid in front of the hot chick on the first day (looking towards Cici)
MASON: thats not what we're thinking
ALEX: well i was thinking it
CICI (talking to camera): I'm Cici and this is Mason
MASON: and this is marianne (holding dog)
MASON: we love theater (enthusiastically)
CICI: we perform anywhere we can,
if this class doesn't go well we'd probably kill ourselves
MASON: well, we'd act it out
BOTH: (exaggerated laughing)
ALEX: My mission is to transform you all into oscar-worthy talents by the end of the semester, now before we even go into that you all have to know what a typecast is.
how many of y'all know what a typecast is?
CICI: (holds her hand up) to cast a acting role natural to ones personality or fitted to ones physical appearance (obnoxiously)
ALEX: (cutting cici off) alright, good, sh-shut up.
ALEX: precisely and being in the industry for so long i can easily typecast you all on the spot
(points to oliver) the jock
(points to linda) the best friend
(points to karen) the ugly chick
(points to jamie) the outcast
(points to cici) and the slut
ALEX: now i want you to try me what would you cast me as!
OLIVER: the prick
LINDA: somebody lonely
KAREN: the failed actor
JAMIE: the sexy piece of (BEEP)
(whole class looks over to him in disgust)
JAMIE TO THE CAMERA: i'm just here to meet younger guys
ALEX: a lot of big names in Hollywood use specific thoughts or emotions or (oliver throws paper aggressively at cici and smirks) certain feelings to help them portray really good characters.
what are some ts sad things you could think of off the top of your head something that makes you sad?
KAREN: abortions
MASON: virgina tech massacre
JAMIE: gang violence
JAMIE (louder): condoms
ALEX: ok ok ok stop lets start over can anyone think of something that makes them laugh something funny
LINDA: oooh ooh oh Asian people with down syndrome!
(camera cuts to karen while alex and linda are laughing)
ALEX: YES that is good that is good!
anyone else?
OLIVER: womans rights!
ALEX:ehh that goes more into the sad list
KAREN: I have a question
ALEX: yeah?
KAREN: this is pointless
ALEX: you are a living buzzkill (eyeroll)
(inaudible)
ALEX: i'm going to be standing by the door out here on your way out i'd let- (notices jaime's shirt and tries to pull it down) Oh god- okay- pull that- down- okay.
ALEX: i'm going to be handing out they have my name, number, email, address all that i'd like you to on your way out and uh, yeah I had a lot of fun today I am profusely looking forward to the rest of the semester its gonna be
ef
yhu
en
-fun umm, I love my life (awkward chuckle) but i love this class even more
(everyone walks out of class and throws the paper in the trash)
insert ending music here
