Every Step Away

ESA41

I was cheated on once... I don't think I can handle another...

Heze no...

"Fuck?" tanong niya.

Binitawan niya ang aking kamay at hinawakan ang kanyang cellphone.

"I don't know if you want to see this but I don't want you to feel..." hindi niya naituloy ang kanyang sinasabi dahil parang may pumipigil sa kanya.

She looked at me with a lot of apologies her eyes are releasing.

Isn't it fucking amusing to be cheated on again... and with her who was one of those who cheated on me before?

Tumigil siya sa pagpindot ng cellphone niya. I look at her straight in the eyes.

I don't know what to think and what to feel anymore...

"I was on Sky Premiere Hotel last night with an Engineer colleague to meet up with a client who's currently in stay-cation on the hotel..." unti-unti niyang kwento habang tinatantya ang aking reaksyon.

I stayed calm.

You're better than this, Chrysanthe...

"When the meeting ended, dumiretso na ako sa parking lot sa unahan ng hotel and then I saw this..."

Inabot niya saakin ang kanyang cellphone. Nanginginig ang kamay niya katulad ng mga kamay ko. I accepted it but I dropped it on the table because I cannot hold it.

My hands are too shaky.

Halos magiba ang buong pag-iisip ko at paulit-ulit na sinaksak ang puso ko noong makita ko ang larawan.

Parehas na nakasideview ang dalawang tao habang magkadikit ang kanilang mga katawan pati ang kanilang labi.

"I took that to send to you so I could convince you that you don't need to feel so guilty because I think he's okay....hindi ko naman alam...shit, sorry, Santh..."

I wanted to fool myself it's not him. Nakakainis. It was a little dark but I know it's him. His features and his body is undeniable. Plus, it's his clothes yesterday.

The girl is in her blue fitted dress. Nakakapit siya sa leeg ni Hezekiah habang ang isa niyang braso ay nakayakap. Even she's angled a little opposite in the camera, I know the girl. I hated her for no particular reason.

But now, I do...

I want to feed myself, reasons. I tried to put myself in Hezekiah's feet because I wanted to understand. Baka naman hindi niya ginusto.

Pero bat ganon?

Bakit ang higpit ng kapit mo sa bewang niya, Heze?

Bakit...

Pinikit ko ang aking mata at itinulak palayo saakin ang cellphone. I put both my hands on my forehead.

Narinig ko ang pagdating ng waitress upang ibigay ang order namin. Rinig ko din ang mahinang thank you ni Iris.

"Santh..." tawag niya saakin.

I didn't open my eyes. Huminga ako ng malalim habang nag-iisip.

Tangina naman.

Pakiramdam ko bumalik ako sa mga nakita ko dati, ang pinagkaiba lang... mas masakit ito. Hindi pa ba sapat ang isa?

Sa sobrang daming tao sa mundo, bakit ako palagi?

Bakit ako nanaman?

All my life I've been trying to do my best so I can deserve people. Hindi ko naman hinihingi na lahat ng tao gustuhin ako. Hindi ko kailanman iyon ginusto! I never needed a lot of friends! I just wanted to keep some. It's not even exceeding the number of fingers I have in my hands.