Saving Drew Patterson *A Tale of Love and Crime* (Spencer Reid/OC and the BAU)

The Darkness

I watched a colleague bleed out right in front of me.  Her blood stained my hands.  By the time they took her away in the ambulance, the stupid computer inside my brain had already done the math.  She wasn’t going to make it.  Emily Prentiss was going to die, and it was all my fault. 

It was my fault for blaming her for her behaviour.  It was my fault for being unable to stop that bastard in time.   I came in five seconds too late.  The wooden stake was already stabbed through her gut.  Ian got away, and all Morgan and I were left to do was panic over Emily’s dying body.  

I wasn’t sure when we had transferred to the hospital waiting room that smelled obnoxiously of cleaning products.  As per usual, my brain had taken over my body.  I was in shock, and therefore my senses were losing track of time.  What a great explanation in a terrible situation.  Sometimes I wished I had the IQ of Anderson the custodian on level four.  What a simple life that would lead.  One without constant brain interruptions for starters.  And also one where I wouldn’t have to worry about losing a friend a month into my job.  I was so preoccupied with the idea of her being gone that I didn’t even realize my hands and clothes were still covered in her blood.  At least, not until Penelope grabbed my wrist and brought me into the bathroom the wash it off.  

I didn’t make eye contact.  Everything was silent except for Pen’s heavy, panicked breathing, and the sound of paper towels being wetted by the bathroom sink.   For some reason, my breaths were still quiet, as if nothing were wrong.  I knew everything was wrong, though.  The way my back was stick straight, and my mouth was a thin line.  That, and, of course, the violent shaking that was wracking through my whole entire body.  This was bad.  Terrible, even.  I had to speak to Garcia.  She was going through just as much as I was.  I opened my mouth to say something, but I caught sight of the blood she was wiping off.  I flashed back to the moment where I came into the abandoned building.  Where I saw Emily on the ground, that wooden spike sticking out of her like a skewer…

I threw up in the sink.  Penelope, of course, was there right away, holding my hair back and comforting me.  When I was done, I let out a pitiful little noise, and stood up again, washing out the sink.  

“I-I’m sorry…  I’m sorry, Pen, I just-”  I was interrupted by one of her strong hugs.  It took everything not to cry, but I held onto her for dear life for those precious few seconds.  Then I remembered that Emily’s blood was all over my hands still.  “Oh- Gosh, I’m gonna get blood on you,” I whispered, standing back.  She gave me a sad look, before continuing to wipe off my hands.  When she was done, I wrapped an arm around her, and put my head on her shoulder.  “Thank you,” I said, wincing at the shakiness of my voice.

“No problem, babe,” she whispered back.  

As we walked out again, I saw my team, all of them waiting still.  I guess JJ had gone back to check, because I didn’t see her, but everyone else had their eyes glued to that glass door, waiting for the doctors to come through.  Pen sat down again, but I didn’t feel up to it.  I needed to be on my feet, or I was going to lose my mind.  I started to pace; a habit that only worked itself up when I was really upset.  Ashley was curled up in a little ball in her seat, staring into space.  Morgan was clenching the armrests of his chair, his jaw clenched.  I had been on the team with him.  We had both watched Emily close her eyes.  Both of us were blaming ourselves for not getting there earlier.  Rossi, meanwhile, was standing behind Ashley, as if guarding her in some way from what was to come.  Hotch had the usual scowl on his face, seated in the corner, his elbows sitting on his knees.  Poor Spencer was pacing back and forth, just like I was, unable to settle his brain, most likely.  

Who knows how long we were like that.  Hours, possibly.  Time was trickling past, and the longer it took, the more anxious everyone became.  The people at the desk kept trying to offer me a chance to sit, but I kept waving them away, pacing faster and faster.  My brain wasn’t ready to comprehend all these different variables.  I wasn’t at Spencer’s skill level.   I couldn’t just process all these possible outcomes and deal with emotional distress.  Any second and my brain was gonna fry.  I wanted to scream.  And then?

JJ came through the doors, looking exhausted, her face like a stone.  I knew when I saw the tears in her eyes, and I stopped mid pace, my mouth opening into a silent scream as she said,

“She never made it off the table.”

Those words hit me like a bullet straight in the chest.  I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t know how to react.  

“No…”  I just said simply.  “No…”

Spencer rocketed up out of his seat and tried to get past JJ to the room, but she cut him off.  

“Spence-”

“I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye,” his voice broke, and so did my heart.  He fell into her arms, his back shuddering with his sobs.  I choked on my own, putting a hand up to my mouth in some attempt to overcome this feeling of blackness consuming me.  JJ went to go talk to Hotch, who had left the room.  When Spencer turned to look at me, it just made everything hurt twice as much. 

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.   “I’m sorry, Spencer.  It was my fault.  Oh my god, I should have saved her!  I should have been there and I wasn’t!  I’m sorry…  I’m-I’m so sorry-”  He wrapped his arms around me and I sank into him, crying into his shoulder and he into mine.  We kept each other balanced.  Safe through our grief.  Pain seemed like the only thing possible to feel.  It was like no other emotion would ever be possible again.   

Her funeral was unreal.  It flew by.  I watched the whole thing pass like it was on fast forward.  We each dropped our red roses on her coffin.  I felt my whole body shudder as I placed mine on the casket.  I was finally being forced to accept that she was gone.  One of my closest friends, gone.  And we had left it off on bad terms.  Tears spilled down all our cheeks as we watched the black coffin lower into the dirt.  

“Goodbye, Em,” I whispered, my voice almost too broken to comprehend.  I felt Spencer’s hand slip into mine, though, verifying that he’d heard me.  

        “Bye, Emily,” came his shattered voice.  I squeezed his hand for all it was worth.  The only way we could get through this was together.  Even then, watching the dirt cover our friend for the last time, I wasn’t sure the darkness would ever leave me again.