Always, You. {Billie Eilish Fanfic}

Chapter eight

Billie's POV

***

One step, two step, put one foot in front of the other.

I tell myself as I exit the room where I just saw my love for the first time in four years. My steps rhythmically moving along the white tiles.

I can feel my breathing become heavier, I try to push past it. My emotions brimming the surface as I push them down with a brick. Now is not the time to fall apart.

There are so many eyes on me walking through DVF offices.

So many..

"Excuse me, where are the restrooms" I speak up to the person leading us back to the elevator and out the building.

"Sure, down that hall to the right" the lady answers, pointing in front of her.

I give Finn a quick look but I can see him eyeing me questioningly. Busted.

I pad down the hallway, thankful it is empty. I don't reach the bathroom down before I am heaving with laboured breaths.

My eyes clouding over making my vision blurry, my head swirling with questions and memories and thoughts. So loud.

Why is this so hard.

My back hits the cold wall and I bring my hands to cover my face, moving my fingers into my hair, grasping my roots like I'm grasping for answers. It's all too much right now.

Next thing I know, Finneas is wrapping his arms around me in a strong hold, he makes me feel safe. I relax at his touch and bury myself into his chest further.

I can't help but cry. I hate feeling this way, so out of control and vulnerable. I get why I care so much, but I really wish I didn't. I wish I could have gotten over Isabelle years ago and moved on with the part of my life.

Sure I am in a relationship but I can't help but think it now feels so out of place, so wrong.
Even if things don't ever work out with Izzy, I probably need to talk to Trent about how I am feeling. Ugh, so soft, I hate it.

He does deserve that though, if I can't give him what he needs then I am sure someone else out there can, and he should be at least given the chance to explore that.

So many thoughts

Fuck, why does she make me think things I haven't thought in so long. Thoughts and feelings.

I externally groan on my last thought. My tears slowing and my breathing regulating.

I slowly pull back from Finn as he gives me a knowing look.

"I guess these are still a thing?" He questions referring to my panic attacks. They were bad, but have gotten a lot better, I would say far and few between now. Usually they only act up if I get frustrated with something around me, usually rumours that aren't true.

"They weren't, until now" my voice still shaky from not getting enough air entering my body.

"Billie" He starts in a serious tone.

"Why did you tell Izzy you were okay?" I shrug. I thought he caught on.

Look, for the most part I am okay, I'm fine. Am I happy? Nope. I have good and bad days, but so does everyone, right?

I love my career and my fans, I would not change that part of my life for the world, however, I am still living in what feels like hell.

I am haunted by my past and the memories I have endured.