At Peace

Accident.

Screech.

 I hit my head on the steering wheel. I can feel the car moving, but no one is reacting. The car hits the Golden Gate bridge railing; I can't move. Silence; I need to know if they're alright. I hear someone gasp for breath followed by an eerie silence and the sound of the rain hitting the window. I attempt to turn around to to see if everyone is okay. Indigo's chest is moving up and down. I can't turn my head, and as I reach down to push my seat back to make room for movement, I shoot up in my bed. Tears stream down my face as their screams echo in my head. The moment I saw Louis' lifeless body flashes in my mind, and my breathing hitches. I try to go back to sleep, but the flashbacks keep playing and then rewinding and playing again. I try to start thinking of other things, but it doesn't work. 

 I know I'm eventually going to have to get in a car again. Maybe it gets easier to sleep. What's the point of being alive to see it get better? I'm known as 'The Girl In The Accident.' Every time I leave my house, I get looks of pity and sympathy. In attempt to get my mind off the nightmare that occurred yet again, I turn on the T.V and go straight to my recordings. I know I shouldn't. For the first time since the accident, I watch the news episode about Louis, Indie, and me. An old picture of all three of us when we were thirteen at the bowling alley flashes on the screen. I try to avoid thinking about how Louis looked at the scene. He looked in pain. Blood drenched his clothes, and he was so pale. The more I watch it, the more I'm reminded that it is my fault that my best friends are dead. I turn the T.V off, I can't watch anymore.

"Why are we going when it's so cold outside?" Louis asks dumbly.

"Because you can't go ice skating when it's hot outside, dimwit," Indie chuckles, staring at him as if he's the stupidest person in the world.

"Yes, but it's indoors," He retorts, sarcastically.

"How did you get into to college?" Indie chuckles and we look at each other grinning.

"What happened in the other car?" This, I have thought about many times before. I unlock my iPhone to Google it. I look up "Indigo Castro accident" and go to the first website. I navigate my way through a bunch of links, but I finally come to some answers. Three people were in the other car. Two men and one four year old girl. One of the men died, but the little girl and the other man are alive. The little girl's name is Julia and the boy's name is Nick. I need to find them and make sure they're not going through what I am. No one deserves to feel what I'm feeling except me. It's all my fault. I find Nick's facebook page and shoot him a quick message to see if he and Julia are okay. When he responds, it's obvious that he knows who I am and he wants to talk over coffee.

Getting ready to go to lunch is rushed and hesitant at the same time. An odd combination to build up to the emotions about to be discussed with Nick. Second thoughts, doubts of going, and every scenario possible flickers through my mind. I tell Nick the place that we should meet. It's close enough for me to walk, as everytime I hear a car engine roar, I cringe. I hope he and Julia aren't weak like me. I hope they're okay and using cars to go places. As for me, all I'm left with is apprehensiveness and an overwhelming sadness all the time. As I tug my shoes on and throw my dirty blonde, wavy hair into a messy bun, I grab my wallet and house key and blow out the candle beside my key rack.

The moment I see Nick and Julia approaching, my heart temporarily stops at the sight of Julia. I feel as if my heart fell to the floor and shattered. Nick wheels her over to the table, removes a chair and parks her there.  He takes a seat next to me and then there is silence for a while as we all take in each other's state. I look like a mess and feel like I'm in shambles. My hazel eyes are bloodshot and the bags under my eyes are prominent. Julia is beautiful despite the wheelchair she is stuck sitting in. Nick, however, looks great. He looks well rested and happy. Nick opens his mouth as if he's about to say something.